So how am I feeling today?
This has been the worst day so far. I am feeling pretty anxious. I have a pit in my stomach. I find myself suddently searching the internet for signs. Should I be feeling symptoms? Should I not be feeling symptoms? Does this or that mean I am pregnant or not pregnant? I've also been searching for other IVF stories. Is there anyone else out there who got pregnant on FET #4?
I feel like I am pregnant. If I had to bet on it, I would put my money on a positive pregnancy test later this week. But this is also a terrifying thought. In the past I assumed I wouldn't be pregnant. I would try to convince myself during the two week wait that I wouldn't be pregnant so I wouldn't be more disappointed when the results came back negative. Right after the blood draw I would get a glimmer of hope but I would still try to talk myself down until I found out our negative result.
This time I am feeling pretty confident (based on what?). But the stakes feel high this time. We used two embryos this time. We only have one left. That will be 0/5 attempt success rate -- why would #6 be any different? And while I feel I have gained some spiritual perspective, I am really not sure how I will handle another negative result this time.
I started wondering last night if I should try a home pregnancy test. They advise you not to and I haven't done it since my first round. I don't think I will try it, though. I don't think I am ready for the result yet. Even though I want to know, I feel more afraid then I remember at this stage and regardless of the result I will question and stress over it. Best to stay away I suppose.
So, I'm trying to stay distracted. I'm trying not to read too much into how tired I feel or how hungry I am or how off my stomach feels at times or if I am having chest sensitivity or any of the other early signs of pregnancy. Hard to do today -- maybe the slower pace of a Sunday is getting to me.
Six (long days almost) down.
2 comments:
I think there is a lot more to positive thinking than we think. I took so many tests for those four years we were trying and most all of them i, too, needed to talk myself down before looking at the result. In fact, the morning i took the test that finally was positive, i was so sure that it would be negative that i read the result wrong. I saw two lines and i thought i needed to see one line and one plus sign. Keep thinking positive, Erin!! It can only help!
Thanks Kami. What a funny story. I do think that positive energy comes from positive thinking. Thanks for reminding me of that. Sad that we have to try to protect ourselves so much that sometimes we can't just enjoy the optimism for awhile!
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