Tuesday, February 17, 2015
Two Week Wait Day 1
The biggest question I get at this point is, "So, how are you feeling?"
Today I am feeling good. I feel tired (which I have been feeling since I started my estrogen pills a few weeks ago) but that's been normal lately.
I've been wondering a bit why I am going through all of this. What can I learn from these experiences. As I have pondered this since yesterday I felt that the biggest thing I have learned is faith. If you had asked me at any stage along the way I would have said with varying degrees of confidence that I had faith. But I feel like I didn't really understand what faith was.
Faith has been that things would "work out." Working out meant "getting pregnant," and maybe even getting pregnant "this time." And if it meant not this time, then it meant next time. I am realizing more and more that I don't always get to plan my life out the exact way I want it. That "working out" may not be when or what I thought it would be. It may even entail something I have never considered.
On my drive to work this morning I was listening to the Bible. I was struck by the story of the man at the waters at Bethesda. This man knew if he could just get himself down to the waters before anyone else he would be healed. He had faith. When Jesus approached the man, he asked if he would be healed. He answered, " Sir, I have no man, when the water is troubled, to put me into the pool: but while I am coming, another steppeth down before me."
The man knew he could be healed, if he could get things to line up just right. He probably even suspected God wanted this for him. But He didn't consider that there was another option, that the Son of God would heal him with a word, and certainly not on a Sunday (which was illegal).
"Jesus saith unto him, Rise, take up thy bed, and walk."
I realized I have been this man. I have had faith to be healed. But I wasn't open to how.
So, how am I feeling?
Today I feel lucky to feel at peace. I feel optimistic that things will "work out." And I feel good knowing that even if it doesn't, it still will.