I waited outside the door, until the lights turned on signalling the presence of a lab tech and the door finally unlocked. It was probably 7:01. I was anxious to be on my way to work and every minute counts, but mostly, I was anxious for the results.
I sighed and was relieved it only took one poke to get the required blood. I rushed back out the door, foregoing my jacket after a burst of hot flashes -- I think excitement, nervousness, or wasit merely hot in there or I was overdressed in boots and a scarf? Maybe it was just the hormones I've been pumping into my system multiple times per day for the past months.
On the road, I tried not to think about it as I maneuvered through the fog. I pulled in behind a semi truck going an appropriate speed and let him lead the way as I wondered what the result would be and when I would hear.
I had been expecting the worse--preparing myself for the worse for the past 10 days. I wondered if this was the right way to go or if I should have had hope by default.
I wondered if I would have to wait until 10:30 again to hear the results. I was relieved when Abe called me about 8:15, when I was about 15 minutes from work.
"Unfortunately, it didn't work again."
"Ok, I expected that," I said.
"I feel disappointed again."
"Yeah, I know. I don't feel anything yet."
I was grateful to hear before arriving to work, having to wait for hours, wondering and feeling distracted while trying to take care of patients. Wondering if I would have an unprofessional emotional response. But I made my way in, slightly late from the appointment but maybe more so because of the thick fog I had driven through, physically and emotionally. Changed into scrubs, I headed to work and back to what seems to be becoming more and more my normal life.
At least I get to stop the shots for a few short weeks. Just as I was getting good at them, too!
* * *
We have been doing IVF since the end of June. This was our second embryo transfer and our second negative result. It is hard to know how I feel after the negative results again. For some reason I felt I had to just quickly pound this out, while I wait for my last few patients of the day. I guess I just feel like I could use some support as I try to sort through this all and no reason to keep it a secret anymore.