Friday, February 20, 2015

Two Week Wait Day 4

So how am I feeling today?

I don't feel like a high anxiety person in my normal day to day life. While I do tend to gravitate toward the dramatic, I do feel pretty calm most of the time. But I am a weird sleeper. A lot of my underlying anxieties seem to come out as I am falling asleep.

Last night I awoke in a panic shortly after I drifted to sleep. "Oh my gosh, what if I AM pregnant!" My conscious fully awake self thinks that is a strange thing to think when I am trying so hard to make that happen, but I find this thought coming back to me periodically. The only thing I can chalk it up to is -- pregnancy is the big unknown. This whole process is becoming old hat to me. About the only thing I haven't experienced yet is pregnancy. I have no idea what that will be like. How will I feel? How will my body change? What kind of changes will that bring to our life.

After calming myself down, I fell back asleep only to abruptly wake again shortly after. I have a recurring dream that I have been missing an important part of the treatment. Without this, I realize the procedure will not work but it is too late to go back. I don't actually know what it is (at least by the time I wake up I can't quite remember or vocalize it) but it also seems like it is some kind of community thing that means no one else will have successful IVF rounds, either. It doesn't make any sense and I've even tried coaching myself at bedtime -- "Don't worry, you are doing everything you are supposed to be doing!" but it keeps coming back.

As for my waking hours, work was crazy busy today. Although it can be a little stressful, I prefer staying busy. It makes the time pass quickly and doesn't give you a lot of time to think of too much else. So today has been pretty good. Now I am looking forward to spending a quiet night with Abe.

Four days down.


Mom said...

You've always been a terrified sleeper. I lost count how many times I had to run into your room to tell you to stop screaming.

Camber said...

I like reading about your journey--thanks so much for sharing. I always refused to tell even close family too much about our cycles because it was hard to tell them about the failures. But maybe it would have been better to have the moral support and the prayers. And I've been praying for you and will keep it up!