Monday, February 16, 2015
This has been the hardest time for me in our IVF journey. It felt like a wave of disappointment came over me and continued to beat on me with each roll of the tide. On top of the disappointment of not being pregnant again, I was nervously and stressfully studying for boards and had the funeral of my grandmother, on top of life's everyday stresses.
More than anything, I came to the realization that the IVF may not work. And that we may never be able to have our own children. I previously blogged that I felt frustrated when people would tell me that not being able to have kids is the worst imaginable fate. It made me feel broken. Perhaps now I was feeling broken because suddenly I felt they were right. I found myself adopting a gloomy view of life, seeing the bad and expecting the worse. And I started looking into adoption.
I was sad to consider adoption. I don't quite feel ready for that step. I'm not anti-adoption by any means, but I always thought it would be something I would be interested in to supplement our family, not be our family. I also learned the heartache of adoption -- the waiting (I was told an average of 3 years) and uncertainty (it seems to never end!), the despair when it doesn't work out, and the cost ($30,000? $50,000?! in some instances). This wasn't the easy solution I was hoping to find after the disappointment I was feeling.
But today is transfer day #4. I feel more nervous this time than I remember feeling in the past. Maybe because with each round the stakes become higher. But I have felt more excited than I remember and a sense of peace and calmness as I have prayed, that things would work out. I don't know if "working out" means we will have a baby but I am more willing to accept whatever that means. And I guess that is why I am excited. I have also been terrified by the thought of having twins because of the potential complications that can occur in pregnancy, so I am also moving forward with faith on that. I know either way it will be okay.
So we are moving forward and hoping one or more of these embryos will stick today!
I guess that means time to eat some more chalk.