So how am I feeling today?
My initial thought is, "Not much." Maybe that is why I've procrastinated until after bedtime to even start writing this post today. When I think about it now, my thoughts feel a little jumbled. I guess I wont worry too much about making any sense or saying anything amazing because the point of these posts is really just expression --jumbled or not!
I think I am attempting to not think or feel too much at this stage in the game. The test day is getting close enough that it is a little hard not to stress over it. But I am also getting a little used to the wait. I think I am really just trying not to worry!
I wondered again today if I should I do a home pregnancy test. It should be close enough that maybe something would show up! But I am a little too afraid so I am pretty sure I will avoid it. I don't know how I will react to ANY news at this point.
Another friend had a negative blood test today showing her IVF cycle was unsuccessful. I was really hoping to both have happy news this week! It seems at first I only heard the success stories, the "Hang in there, it will all work out like it did for me" stories. I have started to hear more stories of those continuing in their journeys and those with unimaginable heartaches when it seems like hope is actually running out for them.
I have been waiting so long for MY turn. Now I wish they could just have theirs.
I might be feeling a little bit of survivor's guilt (assuming my treatment does work at some point). I don't want to leave them behind. I don't want them to feel like I don't understand or I am no longer there for them. I don't want them to see me as just another mom who doesn't get it. I feel sad and worried to move on without them because I know what it is to feel like the only one without a turn.
Here is something I wrote a few months ago about that feeling:
Sometimes it feels like I am in a wicked game of Uno. You know, the one where you thought things were going pretty good only to suddenly you realize you drew a ridiculously horrible hand? At first it doesn't seem so bad --drawing a card here or there; but before you know it, you get skip after skip. You begin to wonder, "When is it going to be my turn?" Everyone plays on happily while you continue to draw two more months, four more months, even the occasional reverse where others seem to get multiple chances to play while you watch in frustration. All while you wait for even just one chance to play. You start to change your game plan. No longer worried about winning, you merely hope and pray you get a play or two in before the game ends and you are stuck with that hand full of wild cards.
Love and prayers we will all have our little miracles when the time is right.