Thursday, March 5, 2015

My Response

I've been struggling for days to put down my thoughts after our good news. I keep writing and rewriting and can't seem to say it how I want to say it. But I thought I needed to ask the question again, at least one more time (who knows, maybe I'll keep pulling it out!), even if my response isn't just right.

So how am I feeling now?

Finding out I was actually pregnant after two years of trying, one and a half years of fertility treatments, eight to nine months of in vitro fertilization, one embryo harvest, four frozen embryo transfers, and five embryos -- I was in shock!

Now that I have had time for it to sink in the emotion I feel the most is an amazing calm. My whole adult life pregnancy has terrified me (You can read about that here). Body changes, potential complications, labor, and the life changes that come with becoming a parent all made me extremely nervous to take the plunge into parenthood. I used to joke that I should have had all my babies when I was "young and dumb" (not saying all people are dumb when they are young, but I think I was in a lot of ways) because now I know way too much about the bad things that can happen (working in a hospital has not helped with this phobia!). This worry has only been exacerbated by the potential complications that can occur with IVF.

After a lot of thought and talking to friends with multiples, I decided I did not want twins because of worries over pregnancy complications. In fact, we kept choosing to implant only one embryo to avoid this very problem round after round, until the last time when it felt like we were running out of hope and the doctors actually recommended we implant two embryos.

So I can say I am completely surprised by the amazing calm and lack of anxiety I feel now that I am actually pregnant. AND knowing that there is a good chance I may be having twins! The only understanding I have of this change in thinking is that after so much disappointment and waiting I have come to realize that God is really the one in control.

I think most IVF moms go about their pregnancy worried about every twinge or symptom. (No wonder, after all that has gone into an IVF pregnancy.) But I want to just try to "enjoy" this pregnancy (it might be my only one!), without worry or anxiety as much as possible. Whatever happens, I feel we will be blessed for any experience or time we have with these little babies (assuming there are two).

I also feel so happy.

You might think that is a "duh" response, but I actually worried how I would react to being pregnant. Weird, I know --after trying for so long it makes sense to be happy, right?

But I wasn't quite sure: I have been telling myself for so long why it is a good thing to NOT be pregnant (defense mechanism!) that I started to wonder if I believed it. Things like "We are happy just the two of us," and "We are so lucky we can do whatever we want without finding a babysitter," or "We can travel so much easier." I was worried the fear or anxiety would override the joy. But it has not. I feel overwhelmingly joyful.

And grateful. So so grateful. I know not everyone gets this chance.


Camber said...

Beautifully put, Erin. I was definitely one of those paranoid moms when I was pregnant with Mary. I wish I had relaxed and enjoyed it more (I did calm down around 14 weeks or so though). A phrase that kept coming to me is, "All flesh is in the hands of God" (I don't know if that's a perfect quote). But God is in control and we're not. So I guess why not relax and let Him be in charge? You're doing a great job of that.

Tawnya said...

So, so happy for you! I just love reading your blog! You give me inspiration to catch up on mine...