my horrible, awful, no good, very bad date

I’m a story teller. I can’t help it. It’s genetic. I come from a family of story tellers. And a large component of that is “the voices.”

That’s right, “voices.” Part of my story telling includes the use of voices and sound effects. This is not something I am aware of in the moment, nor is it something that I can control. And in fact, until college I had no idea I even used any voices. But as I’ve payed attention, I think everyone in my family has some version of the voices. Some may just be better at using them with discression than I.

Unfortunately, I only have a few voices. Three, actually, per my husband. The “dumb guy voice,” the “dumb girl voice,” and one other which I don’t remember what he has labeled it. He gets mad when I use the “dumb guy” voice to voice him or his family members. In their defense, I think that my “dumb guy"” and “normal guy” voices are the same, since, as a woman, I sound pretty dumb trying to be a guy, no matter what I do.

With that introduction, I thought I would share some stories with the caveat that these don’t have the voices or the sound effects. But hopefully you will find them just as enjoyable!

 

So to start off: Everyone loves horrible blind date stories, right? Here is my horrible, awful, no good, very bad date story!

My last semester at BYU I was living at home with my parents. I had just spent thousands of dollars on dental school applications and interviews. I didn’t have much of a social life due to my frequent travels, busy studies, friends getting married, and living in my parent’s basement really didn’t offer up too many social experiences.

Another pre-dental student I had a handful of classes with mentioned something about his roommate and dating. Somehow it got offered up that I should go on a date with this guy. I was pretty open to meeting new people and agreed to go knowing nothing about him although we did meet in the hallway before our date. He was moderately attractive and seemed pretty normal.

We went to Chilis. Things were going fine (for a few minutes) when my date asked if I would like to order a specialty drink or something. Remember, we were BYU students who agreed to follow an honor code which includes that we would not drink alcohol. I was trying to be agreeable and figured he meant something virgin so I agreed and said something like, “Sure, I’ll have a pina colada/daiquiri/margherita.”

At that point, he berated me and sternly informed me that “I will not buy you alcohol!”

I felt a little confused and decided I didn’t need a drink. I’d stick to my safe water which was my original plan anyway.

Our waiter came by and I asked about an item on the menu. He stated that it was spicy “so we can take the peppers out if you’d like.” I told him that I liked it spicy and that I would order the item with the peppers in. My date (who I just met) informed me then that I would not be getting a kiss that night then. At this point I should have realized that I should have asked for additional jalapenos.

Finally, our food arrived. He made us pray over our food in the restaurant. Some people in the BYU community do this and it isn’t unheard of, but has never been my cup of tea. Then he tried eating off my plate. I am a bit of a germ-a-phobe so this was taking a big liberty without even asking.

We finally made it through dinner and he decided to wow me with the local dollar theater. I have nothing against being frugal and I was a frequent patron of the dollar theater, but it just seemed to go with the date. There weren’t very many options that night at the box office and he really wanted to see Anchor Man (not my top choice). If you’ve seen the show, it can be a little raunchy. And going from praying over dinner and being berated about my alcohol habit, it was a bit of an awkward choice. For all I knew, he’d be yelling about my inappropriate movie choice during those moments of innuendo.

When we were sitting in the theater waiting for the movie to start he told me that his family always did back scratches during movies. He asked if I wanted to do it. I feel really awkward and tried to say no but it seemed going along with it was the easiest way (I really had a lot of courage to stick up for myself!). I gave him what I felt like would be a good enough scratch to get him off my back (punny!). Then he told me it was “your turn.” I tried to say “No, that’s okay!” But he insisted. I really didn’t want this creepster touching me at this point but I let him put his hand on my back for a few minutes until I said thank you. He then informed me that it was his turn again. Weird!

Finally I got out of the back scratching routine (not sure how many rounds I suffered through) only to notice his hand placed strategically on his knee closest to mine. I did my best to pretend I didn’t notice. When I didn’t take the bait, he started thrusting his hand up and down at me like, “Here it is! Take my hand.” I finally gathered a little more bravery and said, “No, that’s okay!” I don’t think he liked that very much and must have lost all interest in the date because next thing I know he was asleep.

He slept through the rest of the movie. The lights in the theater came on and a couple sitting on the other side of us were trying to get by. I kept trying to wake him without success. I was honestly wondering if he was pretending to be asleep so I’d have to touch him to rouse him. I was embarrassed but finally he woke up.

Our drive back to my house was very awkward. I can’t remember what we talked about but I feel like he was complaining a bit about the date. I was really worried about what he would try at the doorstep, but thankfully I had had the jalapenos and he kept his word--He didn’t even try to kiss me. (See Abe, you should like that I like my food spicy!)

That was the weirdest and worst date by far of my whole single life. I’m just glad it didn’t turn me off to back scratching (or jalapenos). Maybe just to blind dates.

Next time: “Poke his eyes out!” Defensive strategies from an overprotective mom