On a lighter note…

It’s been a lot of deep thoughts and feelings on the ole’ blog lately. Here’s something to hopefully lighten the mood a bit…

I found this picture and couldn’t help but laugh. I know at first glance it is just a picture of two sleeping beauties taken about 9 months ago.

At first I agreed. But after a second glance I couldn’t help but smile. Sometimes Amber and I feel like “we aren’t twins anymore.” This picture confirmed to me that we don’t have to worry about that. Not only are we wearing almost the same outfit (weird how we do that a lot without coordinating or even living close by), but our posture is almost identical down to the crossed heels and arms.

I guess all that is left to do, Amber, is decide who gets to be the evil twin. Maybe we can switch off…

 

It’s probably your turn.

 

And a blast from the past:

I guess we’ve been sharing a bed for a LONG time…

*Looks like someone has an extra pacifier. I can’t tell, but I bet that’s you so you def get the nomination for now. Like I said, as you can tell from my last posts, I’ve had more than my fair share of wickedness (real or perceived).

The end of this long series: Just the two of us, we can make it if we try!

I think we’ve about reached the end of this thread. First I want to say thanks for all of the blog and facebook comments. I keep hearing that people are reading but it is nice to see some evidence of that and to stimulate some discussion and new thoughts for me as well (even though it is MY blog it is nice to not do all the talking sometimes). I really appreciated the supportive comments from old and new friends and the reminder that other women have had similar experiences. It is always nice to know I am not alone and I am so happy to hear about other perspectives and ways of doing things. Please feel free to comment in the future, even if you feel we aren’t great friends or it’s been awhile. It was so nice to hear from you.

So what comes next? Contrary to what I said earlier in jest, I knew once I got into dental school that this was not a back-up plan. I knew I was in for the long haul. I knew I was crossing over from full-time SAHM to at least part time working mom territory. I knew this isn’t a career where you get your degree, take time off while your kids are young, and return in 15 years without a hang-up. This was something I would have to either keep up or probably give up completely.

I wasn’t willing to give it up.

Unlike my choice to go to dental school which I made on my own, I did have a husband to consult when I decided to pursue residency. I didn’t always plan on specializing but again, I felt very strongly about continuing my training when I got closer to graduation. Yes, I had recurring and fresh concerns about how I would make this work as the goal of a family was even more tangible as a married person. But it still felt right. It was helpful to have someone to make the decision with this time around and he was very supportive. I don’t remember him once questioning me. He has been patient and helpful during this time. I feel so lucky to have a husband who does dishes (he is doing them right now!), laundry, makes lunches, gives me early morning rides, and isn’t afraid to do “woman’s work” if it means making our family work. I know he looks forward to the day he will be a parent and I appreciate his willingness to put that off while I complete my training. Just like I expected to be a SAHM, I bet he expected to marry a SAHM (he would never say that…he wouldn’t want to risk hurting my feelings, but I suspect it must be true). I think about that sometimes and hope our new life will be even better than what he expected, even if some of his goals are delayed .

People often ask me about my timeline for children. It really is hard to say. Up to this point I just haven’t felt the inspiration that it is the right time. I hope when it is I will know. They also ask me how it will work. Right now I really am unsure. I hope eventually it will mean a flexible schedule where my husband and I are both able to find time to be home with our children. I hope it will mean having some days off or even working strange hours (7-3 to pick up kids from school?). And I am sure it will mean some combination of babysitters/nannies/daycare. The good thing is that we can do it however we want! I am lucky to have a husband who is flexible and helpful and doesn’t feel constrained to stick to the traditional family model of man working, woman at home. I can see us both being part time stay-at-home parents!

In the meantime, I am trying to enjoy our time together, just us!

P.S. I would love to hear how you make it work in your family! I’m always looking for new ideas for the future.

The back up plan

 

This is the hardest post so far in this series. I have been fiddling through drafts for days and was going to write a long post about all of my superior thoughts on the subject and why you should agree with me. But I’ve come to realize, it really doesn’t matter what I think--at least not to you. What matters is what each woman thinks and decides to do in her own situation. I value stay-at-home-moms. I think the work they are doing is exceedingly important and certainly admirable. I am also impressed and pleased to see women being strong leaders and (sometimes more visible) role models in their communities through their careers. I think we can learn a lot from each other. I wish we could be better as women in building each other up, working together, and coming together to advance the cause of women. Too bad we are often our own worst enemies, and often in the way of cattiness, gossip, and passing judgment.

So what’s the big deal? Where did this whole conversation come from? If you aren’t LDS you may be puzzled. In my perspective, I feel there have been two potentially contradictory philosophies in our church. One is for women to stay home as the primary nurturers of children whenever possible. The other is that women should get as much education as they can. I think this is a big grey area where each woman (and family) needs to do her best to figure out what is right for her. Unfortunately, some people see this as very black and white. Women who choose to work are being selfish and not following the prophets…unless they absolutely have to work as in the case of a single mom. It can make it seem like “Education is great as long as you aren’t married yet or you don’t have children.” (Certainly I don’t speak for the church or all women in the church but these were some of the concepts I gathered from the blog comments and have heard over the years.)

I used to get very frustrated with the judgmental comments that arise from these ideas. As I said, I was quite defensive and this was something I thought about a lot in the past. Strangely enough, I had to find a blog to remember that people even think this way! Maybe that means I have grown up. Maybe it means I am more confident. Or maybe I was just hoping that everyone else progressed, too.

Regardless, it doesn’t really matter any more.

I feel confident in what I am doing.

I know it is right for me and my family.

I don’t really care what other people are thinking or even saying about me (at least in regard to this topic) anymore. Go ahead, ask me if I am going to be a dental hygienist. I will smile and politely say, “No, actually I am a dentist. (Yeah, like a dentist-dentist, not a hygienist or assistant)” or ” Ask me how I am going to manage my family and a career and I’ll tell you, “I’m not sure” or “We’ll take it one day at a time.” I may even ask for suggestions.

The only real issue I want to discuss is the concept of education as merely “the backup plan.” I think education is crucial and for more than just having a career path “in case” you don’t marry or your husband can no longer provide for your family. I want women to educate themselves for a simple selfish reason…to improve!  To find empowerment through knowledge and new skills. To be enlightened to new viewpoints. To experience. And I think this not only improves the mother, but her children.

At some point, for many of us, the “back up plan” becomes “the plan.” I don’t know what I would be doing if I didn’t decide to follow through with my inspiration as a 20 year old single woman from Utah. I know I wouldn’t be married to Abe and maybe not married at all. I obviously wouldn’t be a dentist—would I be a stay-at-home-mom? Regardless of what I may have been, I don’t think that after all of that time, money, and work that God wants me to quit now.

I hope you can support me in this choice just as I will strive to support you without judgment.

Guilty

I found a list of conversation starters. I thought these could be good blog post ideas. Here’s the first one:

What TV shows are you embarrassed about watching?
I am actually embarrassed that I watch as much TV as I do! I feel like I should be one of those really interesting and cultured people who “don’t have time for TV” and only have time for classic books, organic asian cooking, and/or marathon training. But I find that TV really can be an escape for me. I wonder if this is because watching TV burns less calories than sleeping? I figure this must mean it is more relaxing than sleep—no wonder I VEG out after work in front of the boob tube (why is it called that, anyway?). Or maybe it is because I get enmeshed in the stories. I am definitely one of the yell at the TV at the end of a cliffhanger, “NOOOO!!!!” people.
From a “Who would ever watch that show?” standpoint, I am ashamed to admit I am hooked on The Bachelor. I really did start watching on accident (the TV was on and the channel didn’t get changed and next thing I know, I was hooked). It really is awful! Such an unnatural system of finding a spouse and totally designed for TV drama and as much heartbreak as possible. For example, at the end when they “have three (great) girls” left, they can choose to give them an overnight date. This means they (usually) have sex with three people. The next day they break up with one of them. The next week (not sure what this time frame is in real life) they expect the two people left to be ready to accept a proposal from someone who just had two one night stands, or in the case of The Bachelorette, expect both men to be ready to propose (and then turn one down on national TV). And then they have the opportunity to watch the show later, only to see their future spouse making out with and dating 25 other people while he was also dating her. Talk about making anyone insecure! Not to mention the fact that you have to listen to them talk about their “journey” and “the process” which basically means taking helicopter rides around beautiful places and making girls jump from high places in bikinis as a way to prove their “love.” But I got hooked and am now on my third season.
And from a guilty pleasure standpoint, I love The Walking Dead. Abe doesn’t really like the show (maybe that is part of my guilt). We tend to watch it at his parents’ house or a friend’s (we don’t have AMC!). His family tries to be friendly and social with me but unfortunately, always seem to come down to watch at the most inopportune moment (like when a zombie is getting his head bashed in). They are always like, “Oh! Wow. What are you watching?!” And then there is the awkwardness of the younger sisters getting interested but not really allowed to watch it while I am down there being a bad example. On Sunday.
I find myself thinking about zombies a lot when the show is in full swing. “I wonder what would happen if there were zombies there?” and certainly I dream about zombies on a regular basis. I feel a little bad about the gore but I rationalize with, “It’s not like I don’t see similar kinds of things (only alive) at work.” It’s a stretch, I know, but it works for me.
Anyone else willing to fess up?

Working Moms part 3: The big plan

 

Ironically, I ended up at the University of Iowa for dental school, right back to that professor’s old stomping grounds, and appropriately, where he had first been tempted by the devil to make his own evil career choice. I moved few weeks before my 21st birthday, so I officially became an old maid just in the nick of time to get started on my way to the career bliss I so clearly “chose” over my family.

But what my religion professor didn’t understand was that part of my pact with the devil was if the devil helped me get into dental school he would help me find a husband. Maybe the good professor would have been more okay with my decision had he known that part.

I know working with the devil isn’t usually an acceptable way to achieve your goals (especially for religious people), but in this instance, if it was leading me towards marriage, my ultimate goal, I figured it would probably be okay. A means to an end, as they say. One can always repent later, right?

So, my plan was to find a husband early on and get out! I figured my likelihood of meeting another dentist or doctor would be higher as a student there myself. Yes, Iowa was a gamble as there was a relatively small LDS population there, but I was willing to give it a try. I knew it was an investment and I figured if I found him in the first year it would be a $50K investment well spent if it meant I was marrying a dentist.

Unfortunately, deals with the devil don’t always pan out exactly right. Yes, I did meet my husband, and even right away (he was one of the first people I met in Iowa). But, we weren’t married until I was half way done with school. At that point I felt like I was so close to being done, it made sense just to finish.

 

This is the young Abe I met my first few days in Iowa

Luckily, Iowa was a breath of fresh air. Suddenly I was going to church with women PhDs, masters candidates, and MD students. They were women in math and music and education and science. I was still unique and people often had “heard about me” as the girl dental student from Utah, but people seemed much more supportive, at least in the singles scene. I did get occasional comments, “So are you going to actually work when you are done?” or even an idea that I was a big flirt at school with the LDS husbands. But these were vary rare. Except for the, “So are you going to be a hygienist or an assistant?” questions which I was asked all the time. I was grateful to have met a man who never once questioned my decision to go into dentistry or if that meant I wasn’t interested in a family, and actually seemed impressed by the skills I was developing.

When we got married we started going to a congregation (known as a ward in the LDS church) with other married students. Although I have heard a lot of comments from the other women at church, they tend to focus more on how intimidated they are by me (don’t be scared!) or that they think what I am doing is “really cool.” In fact, it has been so long from my negative experiences back home, I have forgotten that what I am doing is sometimes frowned upon.

I didn’t remember until I happened upon a blog that prompted this whole story just a few days ago. There were hoards of comments from other women who look upon other women who choose to work in a judgmental way. I was surprised. And of course, you know I have something to say about that next time.

Next up, part 4…getting bored yet?

Working Moms part 2: Selling my soul

I HATE babies…can you tell?

It was my last year at BYU and I was taking a marriage and family class (sounds kind of funny now and so BYU!) from a well known faculty member, an “expert” on the subject who has even published a number of books. One of our assignments in the class was to write papers periodically throughout the semester on marriage and family topics (duh). I wrote a paper on the topic at hand…my pull to go into dentistry, a demanding career, and my fears about balancing this with marriage and children in the future.
One day in class shortly after I wrote the paper, my teacher stood in front of the class. He mentioned, “One of your classmates wrote in her paper how she wants to be a dentist. You know (as he laughed in a snarky way), if she never gets married, that’s great! Be a dentist! Get all the education you can. But only if no one wants to marry her. HA HA HA!” Although this wasn’t exactly what was said (except the part about “no one wanting to marry her”), his comments were very much to the effect that as long as “she” was an old maid this was an okay way to go. But only until this was proven.
I was very upset as I felt he was calling me out in front of the whole class. Yes, I knew I was basically anonymous but I felt betrayed and embarrassed that he would use my paper in a public way to humiliate me. I felt like he was implying I had to be unmarriageable or I was making a wrong choice-- the only possible way to follow my prompting to further my education was to be an old maid. And I was angry that he acted like the choice I was making was a big joke. At this point I felt very confident spiritually that I had been led to follow through with my dental school applications. I emailed him stating that I was upset he would use me as an example in that way in front of the class and that he seemed to be implying I was making an inappropriate choice which wasn’t his place. I told him that I was grateful I knew he didn’t receive spiritual inspiration for me but that I was worried other women would disregard their own personal revelations because of something they felt an “authority” said in the wrong.
He emailed me back and “apologized.” He said he wasn’t talking about me but another girl who wanted to be a dentist, “But now that we are talking about you” he had spoken to some of his colleagues and they agreed that “Why would God tell a 20 year old girl to go to dental school?” (Evidently the belief that God appeared to Joseph Smith, a 14 year old boy, is totally within the realm of possibilities but Him giving revelation to a young woman about her career was out of the question?) He said I should “continue on the dental path” another few years (I was already at the end!) and THEN if I wasn’t married to go for it (I guess at that point I would be unmarriageable? at age 21 or 22). He told me about how when he was a missionary in Iowa (ironic to me now, as at this point I had no idea I would end up in Iowa), Chiropractics was really en vogue and he thought he should be a chiropractor. But now that he is in his career that fulfills his patriarchal blessing (a blessing we get in our church with guidance about our lives) he knows that the idea to be a chiropractor was from Satan, and I should seriously consider where I was receiving my inspiration. Yeah, the prophets have said to “get all the education you can” but I was obviously being misguided. Oh, and I really should make a big decision like this with my husband. (So I can’t go to dental school if I am married, but I also need to find him so I could ask him if it was okay?) It would be unfair to him to not have input in such a big decision.
Unfortunately, I didn’t have a husband to ask.
So I was left with no choice but to ask Beelzebub himself!
And my teacher, being so inspired, was on to me.
Good thing he didn’t know that I had to make a pact with the evil one himself to get in. He may have got me kicked out of BYU a few weeks shy of graduation!

Next Time: My plan to end up on top!

Working girls...er, Moms: Part 1

I’ve been thinking a lot about my life as a woman, a surgeon, and a Mormon as you can tell from my recent postings. I happened upon a blog which was discussing a similar thread, women working outside of the home, and particularly, Mormon women working outside of the home.

As I mentioned before, a large number of LDS families continue to follow the model of dad going to work and mom staying home with the children. I think this is wonderful. I have friends who are both LDS and not LDS who do this. Some have given up lucrative or impressive careers to do so. Growing up I always planned to do this myself.

But as life often goes, things don’t always end up as expected. This has the potential to be a really long post so I’ll keep you in suspense and break it into multiple postings.

We’ll start with a picture of me from the time shortly after this first installment. I can’t seem to find any of my college pictures so I guess you get this one instead. I gave up on the idea of marine biology but decided to live in Honduras after graduation to become a SCUBA Dive Master. Can you pick me out on the boat? I’m wearing the red bandana.

Snails and Such

During my time at BYU, I was studying biology with an emphasis in marine biology. I spent a summer in Monterey, CA taking classes with a BYU professor at the Hopkins Marine Station (run by Stanford University). Our building was right on the water. We had baby octopi in our classroom, caught from the ocean by our SCUBA diving TAs. We watched starfish babies under the microscope daily as they showed the different stages of cellular growth. During lectures I would look out at the beautiful ocean with the sea lions teasing me in the bay and watch the Stanford scientists emerge from the water: the first hint of their presence a mass of bubbles at the surface, next a black hooded head with that eerie mask peering over the top of the water, until finally I’d see them walking out onto the shore in heavy black wetsuits looking very much like the sea lions that seemed to be following them, just out of arms’ reach.

I wanted to do that. I wanted to be the one in the deep sea submersible catching the images of never seen before specimens with no eyes or glowing bodies. I wanted to spend my days diving into the ocean collecting specimens before class. But I also spent a lot of time in the library researching the feeding habits of the gumboot chiton. And watching snails in our aquarium to see if there was any relation to the chiton. I came home from California depressed. I felt like I had a slim chance of getting to be one of the few in the deep see ROVs at Woods Hole, MA (a marine biology hub) and would probably end up in a lab and I had a sneaking suspicion that snails weren’t the key to my happiness. It just felt too lonely. And even though I knew I would be a stay at home mom, I felt like I needed to have a clear career path until then.

That’s when my sister and my dad encouraged me to look into dentistry. I laughed it off. I had never met a female dentist. The suggestion was akin to being told I should be a machinist or a urologist. These were things I knew a woman could do, but just not something I had ever thought to do. As I started looking into dentistry I actually became more interested. Shortly thereafter, I officially declared myself pre-dent. I was afraid of the whole process—the applications and certainly the school. I secretly hoped I would get married (I still had about 1.5 years left at BYU so I thought this was totally do-able) so I wouldn’t have to go through with it.

As I neared graduation, marriage wasn’t in the books. By then I was committed to the idea of dental school and feeling pretty good about it. I joined the pre-dental club and had the prestigious position of “Women in Dentistry Club President.” I had been interviewing and getting positive feedback at the schools I was visiting. I got a lot of interviews and I got a number of acceptances. And no proposals.

Being pre-dental at BYU as a woman was hard at times. I received a lot of unsupportive comments. Dates would ask how I could possibly be a dentist if I was going to have kids. A dentist I met asked if I was “just applying to see it I would get in.” Yes, I spent thousands of dollars on applications and had to move home so I could afford to live to satisfy my pride! There were hundreds of men who were applying to dental school but I only found a few other women (strangely enough, I later learned one was actually Abe’s cousin, Ashley Sheffield). Some of the men would make snarky comments to me about how they wouldn’t be studying if they were me because as a woman I would get in for sure regardless of my grades (they must have had no idea that about 50% of applicants at that time were women). They implied that I would be taking away a spot from men who deserved to get in because they would be caring for their families. I was being selfish for not only choosing a career over family but for taking away a spot from a man who was choosing this career for the right reasons.

Needless to say, I left BYU with a little chip on my shoulder. Certainly not everyone was this way. There were supportive people who weren’t threatened or confused by my choices, but I left feeling quite defensive.

The religion teacher incident sure didn’t help with that.

Next time: How I got into dental school: my pact with the devil