Friday, October 24, 2014

Rainy Days and Mondays

This morning I woke up early after a restful but somewhat fragmented sleep. I got a few things ready around the house and then headed in to the hospital in the dark, misty fog, parking in the old familiar staff parking lot (but feeling a bit like an imposter) and heading up to the Women's Clinic. I obtained my lab requisition and headed over for a blood draw.

I waited outside the door, until the lights turned on signalling the presence of a lab tech and the door finally unlocked. It was probably 7:01. I was anxious to be on my way to work and every minute counts, but mostly, I was anxious for the results.

I sighed and was relieved it only took one poke to get the required blood. I rushed back out the door, foregoing my jacket after a burst of hot flashes -- I think excitement, nervousness, or wasit merely hot in there or I was overdressed in boots and a scarf? Maybe it was just the hormones I've been pumping into my system multiple times per day for the past months.

On the road, I tried not to think about it as I maneuvered through the fog. I pulled in behind a semi truck going an appropriate speed and let him lead the way as I wondered what the result would be and when I would hear. 

I had been expecting the worse--preparing myself for the worse for the past 10 days. I wondered if this was the right way to go or if I should have had hope by default.

I wondered if I would have to wait until 10:30 again to hear the results. I was relieved when Abe called me about 8:15, when I was about 15 minutes from work.

"Unfortunately, it didn't work again."

"Ok, I expected that," I said.

"I feel disappointed again."

"Yeah, I know. I don't feel anything yet."

I was grateful to hear before arriving to work, having to wait for hours, wondering and feeling distracted while trying to take care of patients. Wondering if I would have an unprofessional emotional response. But I made my way in, slightly late from the appointment but maybe more so because of the thick fog I had driven through, physically and emotionally. Changed into scrubs, I headed to work and back to what seems to be becoming more and more my normal life.

At least I get to stop the shots for a few short weeks. Just as I was getting good at them, too!

* * *

We have been doing IVF since the end of June. This was our second embryo transfer and our second negative result. It is hard to know how I feel after the negative results again. For some reason I felt I had to just quickly pound this out, while I wait for my last few patients of the day. I guess I just feel like I could use some support as I try to sort through this all and no reason to keep it a secret anymore.


Robyn said...

Hugs my friend! I'm really glad you've chosen to share this on your blog. I was just telling Luke the other day how I like reading your blog because it's "real" and not all sugar coated like so much of what we see online. It seems weird to say because I haven't seen you in years now but I feel like I know you well if you know what I mean. And I think you should consider moving to Hawaii because IVF is covered by insurance....and, well, it's Hawaii.

Anonymous said...

I'm really sorry. This is not fair. I don't have the right words to say but when I was going through my own infertility struggles (medically induced abortion, miscarriages, etc) this song gave me a lot of peace. I hope it may be of some comfort to you too. "He'll Carry You" by hilary weeks.

SeƱora H-B said...

A big hug to you and Abe. I wish all of this were easier for those of us who desperately want a baby. Those negative results seem to get more and more devastating. I hope you have something fun and/or delicious to distract you this weekend.

Sarah said...

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm glad that you blog about it because I am sure you get support AND help many other women who may never comment here. Like Robyn, I feel like I know you better now than I did when we saw each other weekly. Hugs and prayers!

Kristy said...

Sorry, Erin. This stinks. Sending prayers and a hug your way.

Camber said...

Erin, I'm so sorry. It just stinks and there's no getting around it. I remember getting called into work the night we found out one of our rounds had failed and I sat on the floor in the bathroom and cried for an hour before I had to leave. It's heartbreaking to go to so much effort and not have it work. Thank you for being willing to share this. I love you and am praying for you.

Oriens said...

I'm so sorry Erin. I wish I could be there to give you a big hug and talk about how life isn't fair. You are so brave to go through IVF, so brave to share your real life ups and downs. I love you and think about you often.

Rachel Culmer said...

Thanks for blogging Erin. Being open is sometime therapeutic. I hope it was for you...

Mom said...

I've never had to go through this, but I can only imagine how hard it is, if it compares at all to how it DOES feel to see my baby have to go through this. I don't really know what to say except, focus on all the many, many blessings you do have. Stay focused on the positive, the blessings you have, not the ones you want, but for some reason, escape your grasp. It's easier. but deadly, to focus on those. With love, Mom

Donna said...

I'm sorry it didn't work, and I sure hope it does for you soon. You're not alone. I keep hoping for a baby too, but it hasn't happened since 2009. I thought this month might be the month, but my all-too-familiar friend arrived for her monthly visit yesterday. I wasn't too surprised. I'm used to it!