Yesterday Once More

May 22, 2017

Today was my blood test, the end of the infamous "two week wait."

Abe's mom came over early this morning and she helped me get Mister and Sister ready for a walk. We took our stroller to the hospital for a quick lab draw, met up with Daddy for a short time, and came home. On our walk Abe called with the results.

It was a familiar conversation.

Abe: "It came back negative."
Me: "Oh, okay.
(Abe: silence)
Me: "Well, not surprising I guess. Hmmm. (Awkward pause)"
Abe: "I guess I should go get ready for my next case."
Me: "Okay, I love you."

We have had this conversation 5 times now with only slight variations in the script. Maybe that is what made it easier to hear.

So how am I feeling now? I didn't have much emotion at first. I left the twins with my MIL to feed them breakfast while I took some quiet time to process. The tears didn't come until I told a few family members the news. I am so used to disappointment in this way that I feel pretty okay with not being pregnant right now. But the finality of it is something to mourn and for which I shed a few tears. I had kind of expected before the news at the transfer (that the embryo hadn't done well in the thaw) that this would work, that this cycle would work now that my body "knew what it was doing," and that we had a third baby ready to come join our family -- the baby we lost in the womb coming for another chance at a healthy body.

Taken by my MIL as I cried in my room

However, I also feel like God has been reminding me the past few weeks how lucky I am. I have two miracle babies who are wonderful and sweet and make me smile every day. I love how they sing "Twinkle Twinkle" wih a variety of lyrics, from singing about stars, ABC's, BAA BAA BAA's, EI-EI-O's, or even Ma MA MA's, and give each others sweet hugs and kisses. I think He has been telling me, "You have enough. You don't have to keep doing this anymore. You are already so lucky."

So I choose to have faith in disappointment. I would love to have another baby. Just one. (I don't need to get greedy!) Crazy as I feel saying it even to myself, I would love to experience pregnancy again (I guess with the hope it would be easier this time!). I am disappointed I will probably never get that amazing birth experience, meeting and holding my baby in the delivery room without the many negative emotions I experienced last time. I was hoping to successfully nurse without all of the frustrations of before. I am sad thinking I wont get another chance to savor the smell of my new baby or the amazing feeling of cuddling him as he sleeps.

I'm not sure where we go from here. There is a common mentality that I will probably just get pregnant on my own. I'm not counting on that (although I do personally know other IVF mamas where that has been the case). In many ways, it feels easier to decide that I am done. To cut my losses and exit the roller coast of emotions permanently. Or at least for now. If I decide I want to ride that wild ride again, I can always purchase another ticket. Right now I am already dizzy and nauseated and will probably feel like I am still spinning at home in bed for awhile.

Either way, I'm not sure I am ready to throw out all of my baby stuff just yet. Whether that is me holding out a glimmer of hope or for sentimentality's sake, I'm not sure.