Lessons from the high school popularity quest II

(This video was the inspiration for this post. WARNING: it does contain some pretty rough language which you may not appreciate. If you don't choose to watch, the idea is that women aren't good at accepting compliments.)

These same girls, despite doling out compliments left and right, couldn't seem to accept one themselves. "Oh no way! YOU, you are the best (insert compliment). I'm just the worst (insert previous compliment)."

Maybe growing up as an identical twin where comparisons were commonplace and yet the common reassurance from our parents that we were both great made it incredibly frustrating later in life to have compliments deflected back to me. I knew that my sister and I could BOTH be good students, piano players, friends. We could BOTH be pretty, smart, funny, kind. Especially the part about being pretty. Duh, if I could be pretty, so could she (as we looked "exactly alike."). 

Maybe that is why it seemed so dumb that every compliment I gave was sent back. "Oh no! You are the pretty one/smart one/nice one/funny one/etc one. I'm the ugly one/dumb one/mean one/boring/one/etc on." 

I found this incredibly frustrating. Why couldn't we both be awesome? How come I found myself arguing about this on an almost daily basis?

I think we live in a world where we are so used to scarcity that it is hard to remember it doesn't apply in everything we possess. Yes, if I have this dress, you clearly do not. If I eat this pizza, you don't get to eat it later. But some things we can both have like kindness, fulfilling careers, loving families, even the same friends, compassion, talent. And even if we have you have more kindness or I have more friends it shouldn't take away from what you have.

And secondly, I found it insulting. It doesn't make a lot of sense that in an attempt to flatter me I have actually been insulted in my good taste and judgement. When I sincerely say, "I really like your outfit. You have such a great fashion sense!" and you respond, "Whatever, this is the grossest thing ever. I have horrible taste in clothes," then it automatically means I must like gross things, too. There have been times I have been surprised to receive a compliment, don't get me wrong. In these instances, I find it tempting to argue. Instead, I may acknowledge this, "Wow, you really think I did an okay job on that talk? I was feeling pretty frazzled so thank you, that makes me feel a lot better!"I'm not perfect at this but I think it is important to give ourselves a break and our friends one too when they make an attempt to be nice.

Instead, let's give sincere compliments and acknowledge them by simply accepting them with two small words:

Thank you.

Even if you don't believe it, it's nice to trust that maybe someone else does.

Lessons from the high school quest for popularity

I was clearly one of the COOL kids in high school, braces and all

We certainly had that group of POPULAR kids who dressed the part and looked pretty cool from afar at my school.

They sat in a particular lounge between classes and at lunch where access was limited to group members and occasional daring souls willing to commit social suicide if it didn't go so well. However, when I think back on them there wasn't anything particularly likable about them. They looked the part perhaps but mostly kept to themselves. There were certainly more talented, dynamic, friendly, and interesting people to associate with at school.

And then there was that subgroup of people who really were POPULAR. The people who everyone actually liked. The ones who were able to cross groups and be friends with the "most popular" to the "nerdiest nerds." The ones who didn't shop exclusively at Abercrombie & Fitch (oh the ultimate high school clique promoting store!) but were still somehow worth knowing.

It is from this subgroup that I gained my inspiration for today's post. There are two girls in particular that stick out in my mind. We will call them Charlotte and Sarah.

Although I would hope they would still consider me a friend, I doubt they think much about me over 10 years later. But I learned a few lessons from them that I still try my best to follow.

* * *

I found I particularly liked Charlotte and Sarah. In fact, I think everyone felt that way about them. They were so fun and interesting. It was as if we were instant best friends whenever we were together, even if we hadn't talked for awhile. Mostly, they seemed to really like me, too. They always had something nice to say, about how I was "Like the nicest person" they knew, or "I was, like, the prettiest girl ever." I felt the same about them.

You are probably smarter than I was as a 16 year old and figured out they were this way with anyone they encountered. It seemed everyone was, "Like the best." At first I was a little puzzled, maybe even hurt. "I thought I was the best, but you just told Bridget and Carly and Joanne that they were the best." While I continued to like them, it left the proverbial "bad taste in my mouth" and I sought their attention less and less frequently.

No wonder I received so many compliments!

Knowing that they were actually nice girls, I don't think they used flattery as a calculated tactic to gain social standing (although I am sure it did help them become some of the most popular girls a school). I think they honestly gave compliments to be kind and friendly. But the technique of over-complimenting wasn't very sincere and left me wondering if they even liked me or how much I actually liked them. I figured out pretty quickly that although empty praises may gain easy social standing, it doesn't result in real relationship boosts.

So lesson #1: Give sincere compliments and avoid flattery. 

My personal definition of flattery is any kind of inflated compliment that couldn't possibly be true. It usually includes statements that end in "-est." Unless I am talking about my husband, I can't honestly promise that someone is "The BEST!" That goes for other compliments like the prettiest, smartest, fastest, nicest, funniest. I can't guarantee that in fact anyone is, truly, the epitomy of any of these traits (--I don't know any Guinness Book World Record holders or maybe I could). But, I can genuinely and honestly say something like, "You are GREAT!" Or, "You are so pretty, smart, fast, or nice!" I can feel like I gave a genuine compliment and you don't have to wonder if I say it to everyone. Even if I did, it shouldn't take away the legitimacy of your compliment. You can both be smart but you can't both be the smartest.

I also tend to avoid returning compliments. I don't want the pressure of trying to match (or maybe even deflect) a compliment to trick me into saying something I don't really mean. For example, "Erin, I love your dress." I find myself scrambling for something else to say back like, "Well, Carol, I love your your shoes." Maybe I like the shoes but didn't love them enough to say something until I felt pressured to respond.

It also feels more sincere if I give a compliment first so you don't wonder if I said something just to be nice back.

Now, I usually just answer with a simple thank you. I don't feel off guard trying to find a compliment to spit back and you don't have to wonder if I was just being nice in return. If I do send a compliment back, it is usually one I had been saving up and hadn't had a chance to share yet.

That leads me to my second lesson: Just say thank you!

We'll talk about that more next time.

On wedding planning

My future SIL sent us a link to an interesting article about the stress of getting married. Reading the article brought back some of the memories from my own engagement. I felt some relief realizing that was all behind me and some tinges of sentimental feelings as well.

http://www.today.com/id/12355053/ns/today-today_books/t/got-ring-your-finger-freaking-out/#.Uf729hbfbzI

I've been thinking a lot about my own wedding as I have been watching two weddings come together this year in Abe's family. It's interesting to reminisce in the perfect window of hindsight and the poor memory of the past. I remember the engagement period being pretty stressful but overall a fun (but busy time). Since blogging is often about giving away unsolicited advice, here are some of the details of my engagement and some things I learned along the way.

Shortly before our wedding 2007

Abe and I were engaged on Valentine's Day in 2007. We had a relatively short engagement with our wedding set for the infamous 07-07-07. I wasn't the type of girl who had been planning my wedding since childhood. In some ways this made it harder as I had to start completely from scratch with only a few months to plan. So, I started by cutting out a lot of the fluff. I didn't tan, have a make-up artist, fancy jewelry, or shoes. I didn't even have my dress fitted (it was slightly big if anything) and I certainly didn't have time for any sort of exercise regimen. I said no to Bridesmaids. Groomsmen. Flower girl. Ring bearer. In an LDS wedding these people aren't even involved in the ceremony. I didn't feel I needed people in matching dresses just because of tradition or to decide who was important enough to play those roles. Too much stress! And I certainly didn't need a party bus to take them all around with me. This made life a lot easier on me, and I think the potential bridespeople.

I am also under the opinion that just like the commercialization of Christmas, much of the wedding planning hooplah is designed for money! Do you really need to try every kind of cake to choose vanilla or chocolate? Do you have to see every florist shop to decide you want pink roses? If you have the money and sanity to do those things (and most importantly, that is FUN for you), great, but I found I was behind on every engagement checklist before I was even engaged.

Engagement photo

I focused on a few details I really cared about and delegated the rest. This was mostly a necessity as I was in Iowa and the wedding would be in Utah (and luckily so was my mom). For some reason the invitations were really important to me to be completely custom. That was a lot of work to get them designed and put together but I was very happy with the result thanks to my friend Heidi who was amazing and designed it perfectly! Funny enough, I mentioned to my mother-in-law the other day that the only stamps available at the time of our mailing were the liberty bell and an ugly ram head. There were no pretty flower or wedding or love stamps. Just liberty bells and a ram with horns. This was a detail I wasn't pleased about but I think even though my mom and I were disappointed about this choice, not even my MIL remembered that detail.

I also got super lucky by finding an amazing cake lady who let me design my cake exactly how I wanted. I don't know what made me latch on to these two things but these were important and I was able to approve each detail. Knowing I had these details worked out made me more flexible on other details like the flowers (which were beautiful even though I couldn't get the exact Hawaiian flower I wanted) and the menu.




As for the rest, I told my mom and my mother-in-law my color scheme (orange and lime green), theme (luau), and that I wanted to have food (many LDS weddings are more open house type events with mint cups and dessert instead of dinner). And the wedding seemed to plan itself (Right Mom? Kristin?).



Some of the major stressors were:


-Timing. I was excited and anxious to get planning but my sister had gotten engaged just a few months prior and her wedding was in March, mine was in July. I had to delay some of my planning until my mom was done with that wedding. What a trooper!

-Guest list. This was the hardest thing to coordinate. Deciding on who should and shouldn't be invited when there are financial and physical constraints on numbers can be fundamentally different between families. In my family we haven't stayed in touch much with distant relatives so it was a little hard to understand why third cousin Sally needed to be invited to our cozy ceremony.  Luckily we were able to sort this through after understanding the goals for both the ceremony and the reception.

-Dress shopping. Finding a LDS temple appropriate dress can be challenging, especially outside of Utah! I tried so hard to find one that wasn't too ornate, was whitest white, and modest -- only to be told in the temple I would have to wear one of theirs during the ceremony anyway. I almost cried, told myself it didn't matter, and enjoyed wearing my dress the rest of the day. I got so lucky to have found mine on sale for only $100. I did feel some disappointment that my mom was not able to be present with me to find my dress but I felt lucky that I was close enough with Abe's mom to enjoy the experience with her.










-Venue selection. I know some brides want their fiances to be super involved in the wedding planning. I found when mine got too involved it just made my life harder. My mom found a great outdoor park for our reception in the canyon which was beautiful but originally my fiance had a hard time visualizing it and was worried we were having our reception by the jungle gym. Luckily I think he was pleased with the end result and this was one example of the "It's your day" thing working out for the best.





If I have any advice looking back, I'd say take a deep breathe, enjoy this time together, and remember that the important part is that you are marrying the person you love. That matters more than the flowers, the guest list, or even the food!

Then you'll be prepared when something goes wrong. Because at least ONE thing will!

Be the Match

photo from http://marrow.org/Home.aspx

I find that I complain about the local news here in Iowa. More often than not, the feature stories are about blue ribbon pies or showcases on the school spirit of a local high school. While perhaps heartwarming, it is often overwhelmingly boring.

And then I think how foolish I am for complaining about this. I’m pretty lucky that we hardly ever get to hear about murders or robberies or burglaries. We get to highlight events in the community and our crazy Iowa weather.

I realized this while reading an article in the national news earlier this week about a student athlete who was asked to donate bone marrow to a dying stranger. Rather than focus on the Boston bombings, North Korea missile threats, or Syrian uprisings, I was inspired to read the story of hope and sacrifice by a young college athlete. The timing of the donation was devastating to his career as a college shot putter. It would be right in the midst of his senior season and put him out of the running for the regional championships. In a society that tells us to “go for your dreams no matter what,” this boy realized that saving the life of another, even a stranger, was more important than his own personal dream.

I may never have the opportunity to do something like that, but over 4 years ago I also joined the Be The Match Registry. I usually forget all about the registry (until reading articles like this) as the chance of being called upon to donate is very low. But, knowing there is a chance I could be the only person (except maybe my twin sister!) who can save someone from their cancer, I hope I will be willing and able to help. I can’t imagine the agony a patient and their family must go through hoping to find a match that is out there but maybe not on the registry. If it were you or your kid, I think you’d want as many people to join as possible.

If you are interested in joining the registry to help save the life of a dying patient, go to their website to get more information about joining. I’m going to set up a poll on my blog and hope to track any new members to the registry. It’s not every day you get to feel like you are making a difference by basically doing nothing! I hope we can get 100 readers to join.

Here are a few of the FAQ from the website I thought could be helpful:

Q: Why is there a need for people to join the Be The Match Registry? A: Thousands of patients with blood cancers like leukemia and lymphoma, sickle cell and other life-threatening diseases depend on the Be The Match Registry^® to find a match to save their life.
Patients need donors who are a genetic match. Even with a registry of millions, many patients cannot find a match. Donors with diverse racial or ethnic backgrounds are especially needed. To learn more, see The Need for Donors.

Q: What is my commitment if I join?
A: When you join the Be The Match Registry, you make a commitment to:

• Be listed on the registry until your 61st birthday, unless you ask to be removed
• Consider donating to any searching patient who matches you
• Keep us updated if your address changes, you have significant health changes or you change your mind about being a donor
• Respond quickly if you are contacted as a potential match for a patient

You have the right to change your mind about being a donor at any time. Donating is always voluntary.

Q: How likely is it that I will donate to someone?
A: Doctors choose donors based on what is best for the patient. About 1 in 540 members of the Be The Match Registry in the United States will go on to donate bone marrow or peripheral blood stem cells (PBSC) to a patient. We cannot predict the likelihood that an individual member will donate

Q: Does race or ethnicity affect matching?
A: Racial and ethnic heritage are very important factors. Patients are most likely to match someone of their own race or ethnicity. Today, there simply aren't enough registry members of diverse racial and ethnic heritage. Adding more diverse members increases the likelihood that all patients will find a life-saving match. Members of these backgrounds are especially needed:

• Black or African American
• American Indian or Alaska Native
• Asian, including South Asian
• Native Hawaiian or other Pacific Islander
• Hispanic or Latino
• Multiple race

Q: What is the donation process like?
A: Adult donors may be asked to donate in one of two ways:

• Bone marrow donation is a surgical procedure in which liquid marrow is withdrawn from the back of the donor's pelvic bones using special, hollow needles. General or regional anesthesia is always used for this procedure, so donors feel no needle injections and no pain during marrow donation. Most donors feel some pain in their lower back for a few days afterwards.
• Peripheral blood cell (PBSC) donation involves removing a donor's blood through a sterile needle in one arm. The blood is passed through a machine that separates out the cells used in transplants. The remaining blood is returned through the other arm.

Top O’ the morning to ya, amigo!

One thing I miss from home in Utah besides the mountains (and my family –okay, the third thing I miss) is Mexican food. I’m not saying Utah has the best Mexican food around but it’s certainly better than Iowa City.
I really don’t think Iowans have any idea what they are missing out on. I get rave reviews from restaurants all over town but have been generally disappointed with practically every restaurant I have tried in this food genre.
Think about it: Iowa (or at least Iowa City) is a place where some of the prominent Mexican restaurants are Taco Johns and Carlos O’Kelly’s.
Don’t get me wrong, I like potato ole’s as much as the next guy, but there just aren’t very many Mexicans in Iowa and this is certainly reflected in the food. So when you have to rely on a guy named John (wouldn’t you have more confidence at Taco Juans?) or an Irish man with a strangely ill fitting first name for your fajita fix, it’s not surprising it isn’t as authentic or delicious as one would hope. I think I would feel similarly about going to a Chinese restaurant called “Bob's Chinese Buffet” or Italian at “Ted’s Lasagna.” It just doesn’t instill a lot of confidence.
Luckily, I have found a few places in town I like and the Iowa City Mexican scene is slowly looking up. I recommend La Reyna and La Michoacana. I feel a little closer to home (and my Mexican roots) at these two places.

Then again, Iowa always has its  Taco Pizza!

The tube

I don’t think of myself as a big TV watcher, but I find I do get sucked into shows very easily. In college I had a few roommates who were hooked on 24. They would sit inches away from the screen, yelling for Jack to get away safely or at his dumb daughter or at the end of the (cliffhanger) episode. They would also stay up all night long watching the entire season. I swore that I would never watch 24. I am sure I would succumb to its wiles and the rest of my waking life (or at least my free time) would be done for. Luckily, most of the shows I am addicted to can be watched later online so I can watch on the weekends or other times when I just need to veg.

Here are my favorites, in no particular order:

Modern Family – this show is a crack up! An awesome funny quick fix (30 minute episodes).  Wednesday night’s on ABC.

 

Parenthood – Abe and I started watching this last year. It is about a large family and all of the many difficulties families have. Right now I am frustrated that the one daughter wants to have a baby with her boyfriend because “that is the next step when you love someone.” There has been no talk of marriage which in my mind seems like the real no brainer “next step!” Aaaargh!  --see, I’m sucked in for sure. (Tuesday night )NBC?)

The Bachelor

I’m a little embarassed to admit this one, but I accidentally started watching the Bachelorette last season and got hooked. Basically, I think the whole premise of the show is horrible and cruel. Put 25 women against each other, trying to win the love of a single man who within a matter of weeks must choose someone to marry; in the meantime, you must be okay with the fact that your boyfriend you are weeks away from marrying is making out with other girls and may not choose you, anyway. Abe always tells me how awful the show is, that it is the worst show ever. I tend to agree but somehow we both find ourselves watching and discussing it later. I think the 2 hour episodes are a bit much, so I usually tend to catch the last hour. Is anyone else frustrated about Kacie B going home and Courtney staying another week? (Monday night ABC)

 

Criminal Minds –There are episodes for this on all of the time on Ion television network. This is my favorite crime show (after SVU lost Stabler—I’m too sad too keep watching) about the Behavioral Analysis Unit of the FBI who are criminal profilers set to find killers mid-rampage.

 

The Walking Dead—this is my favorite somewhat guilty pleasure. It is a story of the zombie apocalypse and a small group of survivors merely trying to survive. It is gory and pretty scary for TV (almost like watching a mini horror movie every week) and I’m a bit embarrassed for that reason when people sit down to watch with me without seeing more than one episode, but I LOVE this show. My new favorite. You can watch the first season (which is only about 6 episodes) on Netflix. The second season is currently on A&E Sunday nights.

Shows I have enjoyed in the past but don’t follow so closely include Law and Order: SVU, the Office. I also loved Prison Break (although the ending was disappointing).

What are your favorite shows? Do you watch any of these?

Pinterested

Have you found pinterest yet?

I have to admit when I first was invited I was skeptical. I was confused about what I was supposed to be doing. And I felt I was wasting time pretending it was cool when I was clueless.

But the pretending has ended. A friend told me, “Pinterest has changed my life.” That sounds like a bit of a stretch, but here is what pinterest has changed for me:

1. I have a new list of craft ideas for the next time I have an urge for a project or decorating fix

2. I’ve been inspired to remodel my basement. Whether or not it happens, I have a lot of pictures to give me ideas

3. Recipes. I found a new recipe for cauliflower. I think that is hard to do. I have also tried a few new crockpot recipes including hummus and hot fudge cake

4. I’ve been more brave and daring in my make-up now that I have some new ideas. Also, fun ideas for nailpolish. I also found a hairstyle.

5. I’ve been organizing my house. So many tips and ideas when I’m not very good at that sort of thing

 

Basically, its a non-intimidating way to find new projects and ideas to store away so I don’t forget them before I get to it. Things like how to clean the grime from my oven and decorate for the next holiday. And it is fun to see what my friends are interested in, too. I may need to use it to help sort through vacation ideas.

What has pinterest changed for you?

Let me know if you need an invite to get started.