My Complex Mother's Day, or is it My Mother's Day Complex?

Today is my first REAL Mother's Day.

Last year felt like the first time I was given permission to "enjoy" Mother's Day, as I was pregnant and on my way to motherhood.

Before that, ever since I turned 18 I have found Mother's Day to be awkward at best and sometimes even sad and disappointing. Of course I am speaking selfishly on my own relationship with this day as a woman, not on the wonderful notion of it as a time to honor my own mother and the other women who have blessed my life. For that reason it should be a great day for all. But beyond that it has been on my short list of least favorite days for years.

Usually Mother's Day consists of going to church to hear sermons on other people's angel mothers. Then, each lesson focuses on the wonderful nature of mothers, followed by some kind of small trinket delivered to the women by the men or children of the congregation-- it used to be a small flower to plant and seems to have transitioned to a small chocolate. For the sake of sensitivity or perhaps just logistics, any woman over 18 is usually awarded with said trinket and often thank you's and kind words.

Hence the awkwardness:

when I was too young for children it felt like lauding me with praise and a gift on Mother's Day was taking away from the real work Mother's do and for which they deserve to be praised. And when I was ready for children who would not come, I felt like an imposter. It was a painful reminder that I hadn't done any of those things yet to be thanked for. And not for lack of desire or trying.


So today I was ready to soak it all in --the cheesy talks praising each speaker's mother; the lessons that skip over the assigned topic for the day in lieu of a Mother's Day tribute; and, of course some kind of treat at the end. After years of awkwardness, sadness, and disappointment, I was ready, armed with only a tad bit of guilt (knowing how many women would still be feeling those feelings--I still have survivor's guilt at times).

And none of that happened.
I was a little disappointed.

But my infertile self was relieved. (Do those feelings ever go away?)

And really, maybe it was pretty appropriate for my first Mother's Day. Because being a mother isn't about "soaking it all in," or about being praised, or receiving much in return in way of chocolate or even flowers. 

For me, being a mother is about waking up in the middle of the night to soothe crying babies.
(Or even just to pump at 3 am to try to make enough milk to pretend that you are still feeding your two babies enough breast milk to make it worth the hours per day you are attached to that machine.) And getting up again before dawn to feed them before leaving early for work.

It is about never doing your hair and baby bodily fluids as your most common accessory. And somehow not minding.

It is about doing whatever it takes for baby smiles and laughs (and trying your hardest to catch it on video for grandma).

It is long long walks in the stroller pushing 40 pounds of baby up rolling Iowa hills to pick up Daddy after a long day of work because you can't seem to keep two babies happy a minute longer inside the house. And then walking back home alone when you find out he is stuck unexpectedly in the OR until midnight and you are on baby duty alone after a hard day of work.

It is sharing your body with another person (or two) and being okay (most days) with the changes left behind.

Or about lugging a double stroller everywhere you go and doing the shopping cart-stroller train to buy groceries while pretending you aren't a spectacle. And sincerely smiling when people tell you, "You have your hands full!" Because you are so glad you do!

It is changing your goals after 15 years of hard work and taking professional setbacks and knowing/hoping it will all be worth it somehow.


It is coming home after a long hard day to smiles and slobbery kisses and squishy chubby thighs.

* * *

It is about miracles. . . Some already here and some waiting to happen.

For many, I know it is still about heartache and longing, waiting and disappointment. Or about the wishes for the mother you never had or wished you had had or missing the one who has already left you. Or for the one who is lost that made you a mother.

* * *

Whatever this complex day brings for you, I hope you can find some peace and sunshine. And hopefully some chocolate.

XOXOXO,

Erin

Progress: My Journey As An LDS Female Dentist

I've come along way in the past 8+ years. And so have LDS women in dentistry (and maybe other careers?). At least in my little corner of the Midwest.

I was thinking about this today after receiving a message from Thalia, another female LDS dental colleague. She mentioned she has had a hard time finding other LDS women in the field. I remember similar searches in my past.

When I was at BYU I became the president of the very exclusive and prestigious club, Women in Dentistry. It was a very exclusive club including about 3 members, including myself. Unfortunately, the exclusivity had less to do with the criteria and much much more to do with lack of interest.

I felt pretty alone. I happened to have another girl in my ward who was also applying for dental school, Ashley Sheffield (who strangely enough just happens to be Abe's cousin...small world), Tara Huntsman, and another girl I unfortunately cannot remember her name. I don't think Ashley was in the club and there was another girl who came to lunch with us once from NY. But that was it. Pretty slim pickings considering I applied with about 200 other BYU students (male).

Part of my lonely experience at BYU had to do with disparaging comments from dates and even a religion teacher who told me I was listening to Satan by going to dental school. I became somewhat defensive and was pretty ready to leave BYU by the time I was done (partly, maybe due to the fact I was also living at home for my last semester due to the high cost of dental school applications, a long distance boyfriend, and limited social life -- working, lacrosse, applications, interviews, married friends, home singles ward all made that hard).

So, I was very pleased when I was contacted by Laura. She was a dental student at the University of Iowa. She was also LDS (and a mom!), looking for other women like her. We started corresponding and after some encouragement I decided to apply to the University of Iowa. She let me stay with her for my interview (including driving all around Eastern Iowa to catch my flights), gave me advice, put in a good word for me, and next thing you know, I was committed to attending the U of I when I had previously never even considered it as an option. I feel very strongly she was led to find me and I still consider her one of the big influential people in my life (dental school choice, husband, residency, etc all happened after coming to Iowa).

It was a great fresh start in Iowa. I didn't get hassled much at all about being a woman but I was certainly "famous." Upon my arrival it seemed everyone knew who I was, "Oh, the Mormon girl dentist." People seemed overall quite supportive minus a few comments here and there. I would admittedly get super annoyed when I would have this almost universal conversation with new acquaintances:



Jane Doe: So, what brings you to Iowa?
Erin: Oh, I'm here for dental school.
Jane Doe: Oh, so are you becoming a dental assistant or a hygienist?
Erin: I'm becoming a dentist.
Jane: Oh, like a hygienist dentist?
Erin: No, like a dentist dentist.

Abe teases me about these conversations and warned me to be patient and not too annoyed with the questions. After we got married I would have similar conversations but with a new twist:

Jane: So, where are you from?
Erin: Utah
Jane: What is your husband doing here?
Erin: He's a medical student. What do you do?
Jane: Oh, we're in law school.
Erin: Wow, that's great! You both are in school together? That's so cool.
Jane: What! No! My husband is in school. (Implied duh.)
Erin: Oh...sorry. So what do you do?
(Notice it usually wouldn't result in asking what I do)

But, that was 8+ years ago. And 6+ years ago. And now I'm wondering when it stopped. Because somewhere along the way it has. I don't remember the last time someone asked me about being a hygienist or an assistant (except for patients who very often confuse me with the nurse or assistant). They usually don't ask me why I am in Iowa and questions about my husband's profession seem more as a clarification for how it fits in with my busy schedule. I'm guessing that people get clued in by others now so they don't have to ask. I remember over hearing one such conversation, "Oh, and this is Erin. She's our Relief Society (LDS women's group) dentist. She's like way smarter than any of us."



So, I guess with some understanding of who and what I am, comes the trade-off of the scary old girl at church. Or the couple who is too busy to want to socialize (we still like to do fun things when we are available...and have enough energy).

And now we come full circle. I was contacted by another female LDS dental student, who happens to be interested in Oral Surgery. And seems to feel a little alone.

And I think about then and now. Then: Erin, the female LDS dental student.
Now: Erin, one of two female dentists, one of two dental residents at church. Now, with two female dental students at church. And at least two other LDS female dental students (maybe more, I can't keep track anymore) that I know.

I'm not sure if this is a trend elsewhere or just at the University of Iowa but it's pretty cool. I'm willing to give up my notoriety to be the old scary girl.

Especially when it means suddenly I'm not alone anymore.

And maybe Thalia, you aren't either.

 

Come and listen to a prophet’s voice

photo from lds.org

Twice per year the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints hosts its General Conference. This is a big event where thousands of members gather in the Conference Center (aptly named) in SLC for 10 hours of instruction and teaching from the leaders of the church (many considered apostles and prophets like those in the Bible), with live broadcasts across the world. For many LDS families, this is often one of the favorite weekends of the year. I personally enjoy it as it is a time to stay home and watch church in my pajamas with my husband while eating his yummy coconut rolls, panipopo which he seems only to make on this occasion.

So what do apostles and prophets have to say, you ask? It is hard to narrow down after hours of material but here are a few things that struck a chord with me. Please note these may not be direct quotes but were the message that spoke to me:

• You can depend on the Lord to draw closer to your family when you serve Him. He will raise you up as you serve others. (Eyring)
• Put away electronics and distractions and interact with your children (Wixom)
• Obedience to law is liberty! (Perry)
• Never underestimate how driven Satan is to succeed (Perry)
• Murder, stealing, lying are still frowned upon, but we have routinely dismissed the other 10 commandments as a society (Perry)
• Fan the flame of your faith, acknowledge doubts but focus first on faith (Holland)

And a few of my absolute favorites:

• Imperfect people are all God has to work with [so be patient, kind, and forgiving] (Holland)
• How would women be treated if everyone remembered the statement, “We are daughters of our Heavenly Father” (Dalton)
• A man cannot fully use his priesthood without a wife. In the eternities, both partners share the power of procreation and the priesthood (Ballard)

You can read, listen, or watch more if you are interested. I would be interested to hear from friends who watched what struck a chord with them this time.

I spent the first really nice day of the year inside working...and other thoughts

So, I've been thinking, "I hope the meek really do inherit the earth" (to quote the Bible). I could use a light at the end of the tunnel right now.

And no, this picture has nothing to do with this post except I look pretty happy and carefree which is a nice reminder.

****

To say it's been a hard week would be an understatement. I feel like I've been saying that for a long time now. I'm not quite sure when it started, but it probably coincides with Abe's Head and Neck rotation beginning just under 8 weeks ago. This has been by far his busiest couple of months of intern year so far. And I feel like my emotions have been mirroring his crazy rotation.

I was discussing with my mom my run of "bad luck." We both decided I often do seem to draw the short straw. But I also get lucky a lot. I seem to have a lot of little annoying problems but luckily things seem to work out for me in the end.

So what's the deal? Mostly just little things, with a few big things mixed in. Stress about life decisions (I keep thinking we are done making these but they seem to crop up again and again). Frustration with not seeing my husband very much and sympathy pains when he seems miserable or tired or busy. Mistakes at work and mistakes at home. Relationship challenges. A mini-health scare (which luckily seems to have turned out to be nothing). Busy days/nights on-call. Disappointments and unmet expectations. And things like getting stuck by contaminated sharp items at work and hoping to not get Hep C and die of liver failure in the future...

But most of all, it's my own guilt and self punishing. I have really been beating myself up lately. Funny, because we had a lesson at church just last Sunday about not doing that. Funny because yesterday we had another activity at a different church meeting on forgiveness and grace. Funny because I like to talk way too much at church and can't follow my own advice about letting go and moving on.

Awhile back I developed a bit of a personal mantra based on a scripture from the Book of Mormon. The scripture is Ether 12:27:

And if men come unto me I will show them their weakness. I given unto them weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then I will make weak things become strong unto them.

I decided that maybe God gives us our weaknesses as a roadmap to success. Maybe the things we are worst at are what He is trying to tell us He wants us to improve. Things like my messy house will one day be motivation for becoming a very tidy and organized person. Or my habit of talking too much will prompt me to become the world's best listener, probably after I really embarrass myself in the future. Or my junk food eating will culminate into becoming a real health nut.

So, I am hoping I can use some of my current mistakes to my advantage! I could certainly use some of that lately. God must have a lot of greatness in store for me!

...and there goes my pager....again!

More than just bunnies

 

Photo from lds.org

I have a had a number people ask if members of my church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, celebrate Easter. This question, along with the “Do you celebrate Christmas?” question always takes me by surprise. I think that is because I want to say, “Yes! We do!” And probably in a similar way to you and your family if you are Christian. Some families do the Easter baskets, egg dying, egg hunts, etc. We typically have a special Easter service that day at church. This year we went to a special musical program put on by our Stake (a multi-congregational unit for the area).

I don’t really feel comfortable speaking for the whole church in what we believe about Easter and the resurrection but this is a very important part of the doctrine of our church, the idea that Jesus payed for our sins, died on the cross, and was resurrected.

Here is a short Bible video made by my church you may be interested in. Enjoy!