The Big One

photo credit Chelsee Sheffield

As an adult, I feel the change of time differently than I did as a child. I remember when each year and each birthday seemed like a huge milestone. A new grade! New pants (to replace the ones that now hit above the ankles)! A chance to say my age as a round number instead of one carefully measured in quarters (wouldn't it be funny if adults did this? "How old are you? "-- "33 and a quarter")! 

Besides the big milestones -- 18! 21! 30! I don't see or even celebrate much of the aging or progress I must be undergoing, except maybe by the slow development of fine lines popping up on my forehead or the increased difficulty I have getting back in shape.

I have noticed myself hesitantly measuring my own progression in life by the growing children of my friends:

Our marriage is a 5th grader now! 

My career in private practice is walking and throwing tantrums. 

And my time as a mother is a one year old (well two one year olds)!

People act like this is a big deal. "You made it!" I wonder if there was ever a question. (Was there???) I'm glad we did -- instead of the alternative, I suppose.  

And it does feel like an accomplishment, maybe especially with twins. 

Our parenthood is now one years old, whether you go off actual birthday or due date. It is growing up -- as old as two babies feeding themselves (although still a pretty messy job), crawling all over and even taking steps. It is outgrowing infant car seats, communicating with simple words like "hot!" and "thank you." And is a combined 50 lbs. 

I know it is still rather early, but we have gone far enough I find myself giving advice to new moms as if I am a seasoned pro. (Does having two babies accelerate me on the path a bit?)

Isn't it interesting how time has a strange way of going so fast and yet so slowly at the same time? It seems like these babies have been with us for a lifetime, and yet I am amazed it has already been a whole year! 

I wondered how I would feel when we all hit this big one year milestone. Would I cry like the other moms warned? Would I mourn the loss of my two little snuggly babies replaced with toddlers on the move? Or perhaps relish the moment like most of the twin parents I know -- so relieved to have made it through the time most refer to as " a blur" or a time they can't even remember?

When the big day arrived, I found myself happy and excited for the progress we have made and the future ahead. So far I have loved every stage with its challenges and joys and look forward to the progress and learning that is ahead with excitement and pride. 

It is strange but exciting that now I can measure the passing of our lives in the progress of my own children. 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

Written Fall 2016, shortly after birthday #1!

We are breaking up...

Dear Medela,

I'm breaking up with you. It has been a long almost 11 months. I know it seems almost silly to break things off now --we always said we would go the distance! To one year, or heck, maybe even farther! But you know, I just can't take it any more. You are sucking it all out of me.

Then again, you aren't --and that's the problem.

You think you own me and frankly, are a bit controlling.
You dictate what I wear. No dresses unless they have stretchy necklines or buttons! Nothing too fancy!
You leave your messes behind you--in my car, the couch, my kitchen.
You won't let me see friends when I am with you.
You set my schedule, no matter the occasion or time. And you want me, all to yourself! Alone in a dark room, a car, even a quick special hotel room meet up at special events.

It's true, we have been through our ups and downs together. Your monotonous hum always lurking there in the background, in videos and phone calls, people always asking about you, "what's that?" The quiet companion always there--In the winter and the hot summer. With babies crawling over us and in the lonely wee hours of the night. Through work meetings and long commutes, weddings and shopping trips and family parties. Awkward sittings in the nursing lounge when our non-traditional relationship becomes obvious with the other nursing couples who are surely wondering about us. You've always been so mechanical! I know there are others like us, but they tend to remain in the closet!

You have always been there, nagging at me every 3-4 hours and on my mind almost every minute. "Come back to me, it's been too long. You need me. Only I can help you." And even, "You should be pumping. You are 'nursing' twins!"

But alas, I am giving way more than you are. I tried my best but unlike many of the other moms I know with over-flowing milk and their freezers full of storage bags, the few drops you are giving me just aren't worth the hassle. So I need to make a clean break. You have about a week to take the last of your milk before it is all gone.

No please, just go. Don't watch me cry! Sure, I'd love to stay friends, just another pump or two more. But then you really have to go. Before I change my mind.

Believe me, it's me, not you. I just can't make it work any more. And actually, there is someone else. It's my life. She called and she wants me back.

I know it hurts. I'm crying as I write this. But it has to happen. Maybe in a few years we can try again. I can't say that I will miss you but it will be an adjustment.

Sure, I may be willing to take you back. But you've made promises before to change your ways. More quality time together, power pumping sessions, wining and dining (well not really wining). But I just can't see it working. It's never lasted before. Why would I believe you now?

Sincerely,
Erin

Oh! And, I just learned that Janet down the street may be in the market. I think you will be just what she is looking for. You guys could be great!

On the Go!

I started this post weeks ago. Here are some updates on what we've been up to instead of blogging.

The past few months have been a whirlwind of change...for the babies and for our family as a whole.

Meeting cousins for the first time: my twin sister and her family. 

Meeting another cousin, Uncle Colt,
and Uncle Colt's beard (kinda scary for the babies!)

Since May we took our first family vacation over Memorial Day. It was a quick tour of the Southwest starting with a few days to visit family in Utah, followed by job interviews in Tucson, AZ and Las Cruces, NM and passing through El Paso, TX. The babies were great traveling companions and learned they like the pool, especially Sister, at least at first. We really enjoyed our time in the SW and were pleasantly surprised. Maybe we will find our way back there? It did confirm my suspicion that I would like to live in a pueblo style house. And have a cactus or two in the yard.

White Sands National Park in NM

Of course, pueblo with hanging chilis.
Sister liked the spicy food!

First time in the pool A little tricky with two!

Always good sports! 

We also made a weekend trip to Minneapolis to meet my sister and her family who were there for a conference. The highlight of the trip was going to a Minnesota Twins baseball game. "Twins holding twins at a Twins game!" What could be better?

Can you tell who is who?

 



We will continue our job hunt here in the Midwest as well and make a few more interview trips. The babies have been great travel companions and make friends wherever we go. We have even been lucky to have family accompany us on some of these trips to help with babysitting and all of the logistics of our schedules.

Abe and I have also both had some job transitions. Abe finished his fourth year of residency by completing his most recent Head and Neck surgery block, and is beginning his fifth and final year of residency. I have never known Abe to not be in his training so this is such an unusual concept -- to see the light at the end of the tunnel so fast approaching after so many years in the dark. So far it has been an improvement already with shorter days at work much of the time.

While I had planned to stay at my current position in Burlington at least another year, I unexpectedly had a late change of plans and now cut my commute in half to work in Muscatine. While I am heartbroken to leave my staff and patients in Burlington, this will be an improvement in many ways! The biggest and best part is that I will be working part time with a shorter commute and thus home with Mister and Sister more than half of the week. I am really excited to join the team in Muscatine and look forward to meeting many more wonderful people along the way.


I have been busy finalizing things with my previous job and getting paperwork settled for the new position. In the meantime, I am home for a few weeks until my new position begins. My nanny is continuing to work her normal schedule with us so right now I am living a la "Real Housewives of Iowa" style-- at home while my full time nanny helps out. Needless to say, I am catching up on LIFE a little bit -- getting my house in order, starting up an exercise routine, playing with babies much more, and you know, getting my hair did or going grocery shopping alone whenever I want!

And then there are the babies. They are getting so big! We passed our "In and Out Day" last month -- a big deal in the "mom of multiples" community, when your babies have been out as long as they were in. We really wanted to celebrate at the restaurant In 'N' Out but there was none to be found in Iowa!

They are now nine months old and getting so big. No really, they are getting really big! It seems like they are bigger than all of the one year olds we meet. We are getting to the point that carrying them both in their carseats is a struggle. And we are starting the baby proofing progress as Sister learned to crawl and stand and get into everything and find power cords to chew on and get maimed or killed all within the last few days. AACK. Mister is not far behind, just starting to crawl and stand.

This guy sure loves his bottles!

First corn for this Iowa native!

We finally got some sleep training on board and they now go to bed consistently and sleep through the night most nights. What a relief after a major sleep regression.

So, it has been an incredibly busy and stressful time. But also a wonderful time. We are trying to enjoy all that life has to offer while making big changes and big decisions.

Smurfs

Well, life with two babies doesn't seem to slow down much. I've sat down multiple times to try to write and haven't been able to finish a post. So, here is a nice easy one to break up the silence.

Just because...

...these two Smurfs are too cute to keep to myself.

(Now if only I were a photographer and a photoshopper!)

I thought this photo sequence was funny. Typical twin life.

And along with that, yes, we subscribe to the diapers on heads

 as entertainment philosophy!

From Belly To Birth and Abdominal Stirrings

Photo cred: Sarah Siler Photography

This morning I woke up with some rumblings in my tummy and a little bloating. My first thought was, "Oh my gosh, I'm pregnant!" Funny how my recent pregnancy made that my context for abdominal happenings. With my history of infertility combined with the fact that I am not only nursing but using an IUD, that would indeed be a miracle!

Luckily I shouldn't be reliving the joys of pregnancy any time soon (wouldn't that be crazy while raising infant twins!?) from a literal standpoint, but you can reminisce with me if you would like as my birth story was featured today on the blog From Belly to Birth. Megan shares some really interesting posts highlighting pregnancy and the birthing process, focusing specifically on the varied and unique experiences we have as women bringing these babies into the world. Many of the stories are touching reads and also provide good information for women with questions about their own upcoming births or those hoping to understand more about childbirth (guys?).

Feel free to check out my post (and others). While it is very similar to my original post it has a few added details and back story. I was surprised how much I enjoyed reading it back and the emotions it stirred up. I am glad that I documented it as the details get fuzzy after even a short period of time.

Enjoy!

http://frombellytobirth.com/2016/03/16/ivf-boy-girl-twins/

Where Have We Been?

I have started a few posts here and there but can't seem to find the time to get them posted. Here is one from last month. I wish I knew the exact date... And I added a LOT of pictures.

Our handsome devil and little pumpkin

 

I want to say that time flies when you have two babies at home but I'm not sure that is accurate. In some ways it is amazing to think they are already over three months old. And in other ways it seems like they have been here for the long haul. Long days maneuvering all of our responsibilities and short nights being up with babies have made it a fast passing of long days.

I can say that I've missed blogging but life has been quite crazy. The biggest obstacle perhaps even more than having two adorable faces to kiss and pinch and feed is the impending final portion of my board exam coming up next month. I find that it has been very challenging to study. At first finding the motivation to study was difficult; now as I feel the time crunch and the panic coming over me, I find that finding the time is the most difficult. It seems inevitably they wake from their nap or both cry when I try to study but I've been doing my best to do an hour per day where I can. In the meantime, planning to do anything but babies and studying in my free time makes me feel guilty so blogging has taken the hit.

 

Today they are happily cooing in their mamaroos while their dad is on call at the hospital. I am pumping anyway as I watch them almost lull me to sleep as they bounce and sway so I thought maybe this would be the time for a quick update. So, where to start? Maybe just by answering my most commonly asked questions.

 

Q: When do you go back to work?

A: I have been back to work for about 5 weeks now. I was pleasantly surprised to remember how much I like my job. Phew! I wish I had more time with the babies but it is much less exhausting to work a full day than it is to take care of both babies. I have been lucky so far to be able to bring at first one and lately both babies with me to work so that has taken away a lot of the separation anxiety and mommy guilt. We have explored multiple options for childcare and hope to find a nanny soon. 

Q: How are the babies?

A: The babies are doing great! They are growing very well and looking more and more like chubby babies. Little brother has overtaken his sister in weight. They are both starting to smile and laugh and interact much more. Brother had some more tummy troubles early on but seems to be feeling better and becoming happier and easier every day. She is incredibly social, happy, and smiley which is a lot of fun.

Also, since I am not using their names online I have decided they will be known now as "Mister" and "Sister."

 

Q: Are they on the same schedule? 

A: The babies are often on the same schedule, although not really anything we purposefully did. We will often wake the other one up to eat in the middle of the night but sometimes Sister will sleep almost through the night so we may just let her sleep.

 

Q: Do you nurse them at the same time?

A: I have nursed both babies at the same time a handful of times (this is called tandem nursing in the twin world). Unfortunately, breast feeding has been a struggle. Pre-term babies often have difficulty feeding and this is a residual effect of their early delivery. We have spent hours and many tears and visits to the lactation consultant to make breast feeding a reality but have supplemented with bottles all along the way. Sister is becoming pretty darn good at it and I try to nurse her as often as I can when I am not at work, but Mister is on a nursing strike and has decided bottles are much easier and better. I hope he will come back to me sometime but I am trying to take the pressure off us both. In the meantime, I pump when I can (usually on my daily commute) and supplement with formula. It is frustrating that the better (and cheaper! and often easier!) option isn't the one that is working for us but there is only so much you can do! 

 

I was surprised by the emotions that come with breast feeding. When it is something that doesn't come easily it is excruciatingly frustrating. I have felt more inadequate in this aspect of my life than in most others I can think of. Logically I know it has no bearing on my worth as a mother but I can't seem to shake the feeling that I am not providing the most basic physical and emotional needs for my babies in the way I am "supposed to." That doesn't mean I disapprove or look down on anyone who chooses or has to use formula but I am surprised how hard it has been for me, despite my expectation all along I would likely use formula at least some times, to shake those feelings. I think the "breast is best" campaign did such a good job convincing me, it is a little hard to believe now when they tell me, "They are great! Formula is great! It really doesn't matter." I am grateful they take bottles and am fine with them having formula but I would really love it if when we tried to nurse it was a positive experience for all three of us and that I could produce a bit more (which my work schedule and my need to sleep preclude). No, I do not have a single ounce of my own breast milk as a stash in the freezer.



Q: Do they sleep in the same bed?
A: While they used to recommend twins share a bed or even be co-swaddled, they no longer recommend this. We felt the safest bet would be to follow the recommendations so they each have their own crib. And maybe as a boy-girl pair encouraging them to learn to sleep on their own is less awkward as they age...?

Q: Do they sleep through the night?

A: We have been lucky we had a lot of support in the beginning. After my mom left a few weeks after their birth, my MIL was gracious and generous and spent many nights up with them so we could catch up on sleep. This was amazing especially since we had to wake them up every 2 hours to feed them due to concerns about weight gain early on. Now, they usually go to sleep about 8:30 or 9 pm and sleep until about 1:30-2:30, and then we all wake up at 5:00 to get ready for work. Some nights sister will sleep straight through until 5:00. I wish I could go to bed when they do but I find myself staying up to study, complete some tasks on my to do list, interact with Abe, or just have some me time.

You get creative in baby holding and maneuvering

Q: How are you recovering?

A: I'm surprised by how many people ask this sweet question. I feel a little surprised by it because I have been feeling pretty good for quite some time now. The first days in the hospital were very difficult and painful but I overall feel great. I am really hoping after my boards are done and I get better at taking care of two babies I will manage to get into a healthier eating regimen and start exercising again after what has been a year or two absence with a challenging pregnancy and activity restrictions during fertility treatments.

Q: Did your mom come live with you after the babies? 

A: Unfortunately most of my family lives in Utah and were unable to move to Iowa for the birth of our babies (wouldn't that have been great!). I was lucky to have my mom stay with us the day we got out of the hospital for about ten days. She originally planned to stay for a shorter period of time but generously extended her stay when she saw how much help we needed in the beginning. We were also very excited to have my parents make a last minute trip to visit at Thanksgiving. It was great that we were able to introduce the babies to my parents so early on. Abe's parents and sister live in town with us and have been a wonderful support as well. We have reaped the benefits of free babysitting multiple times and have even been able to get out for some date nights on our own early on. We are so happy to have some family close by and they have made the transition to two babies so much easier.

It seems everyone is a little tired taking care of two babies!