October

Wow I can hardly believe that October is almost over! In just a few short days I will be finished with my General Surgery rotation and one of the busiest portions of my residency. The past four months have gone by quickly. I guess I’m making good progress!

This month has been an interesting one for us.

Abraham is finalizing his applications for residency. We have spent long hours and late nights agonizing over the decision of which specialty to choose and working on his application and essays. Applications are due Mon/Tuesday so we are down to the wire. I’ll keep you posted on what he chooses.

I have been sick the entire month of October and the end of September. My goal is to be sick the entire month so my current team will only know me as someone with a cough. It has been pretty nasty and my physician confirmed that I do likely have a fractured rib from coughing. I guess that can happen—maybe I’m frail, I don’t quite understand it myself. I’m amazed at how much it hurts. I am lucky the cough is slowly going away because it is agonizing to cough, laugh, deep breathe, sit up from bed, etc. I am taking codeine and wearing a tight sports bra but there isn’t anything else I can do.

I got a new pager. This doesn’t seem like a big deal but I miss my old one. This one is very loud. The menu is inconsistent, I can’t keep it on silent without it still beeping sometimes, and I miss the simplicity of my old one. The 100 hospital employees who receive the most pages received new pagers due to an overload on the other pager frequency. I evidently made the cut, and was “Actually one of the very only ones to receive one in your whole department.” I guess this could mean two things, “I work harder than everyone else in my whole department” or “I should feel relieved to be back on Oral Surgery in a few short days.” Maybe I’ll keep thinking both!

Another reason to like Oral Surgery, we have had three patients pass away this month, two more since my last post. Luckily that doesn’t happen much in the dental world. The last one was a surprise, I just sent him home 2 days ago and he was well enough to go home. Wow.

Happy Halloween!

Amp

This week I had my first patient die. She had a heart attack unexpectedly. It is a surreal experience to see a patient “coding” as they call it. Trying to bring them back is an experience full of chaos, almost violence as CPR is performed hard enough to reach through the ribs to the heart, people calling out loudly, rotating turns doing CPR compressions, pushing medications. Death is such a serious thing. A final thing. An obviously life changing thing. But when your job is to work with people who are sick and could die, it is a very strange thing. When I heard about the patient I was eating crackers. We walked over to the heart center where the cardiology team had been working on her before her heart stopped. When we arrived we briefly saw the masses of people trying desperately to bring her back. Her family was crying in the hallway. We left to get out of their way. I hoped the family didn’t ask me about what was happening to their mom and wife. And then, not knowing what to do next, I went back to eating my crackers. It seemed wrong. It seemed insensitive. But there was nothing I could do for her. Work had to be done. And I was hungry.

This week I also made it to the OR for the first time on Vascular Surgery. I got to perform my only requested surgery, an amputation.  A man had a non-healing toe infection. I performed an amputation of the big toe. I was worried I might think it was a little too gross. Cutting on a draped off piece of  skin or working inside the mouth is something I can do and focus on the procedure. But toes are PEOPLE’s toes. You can’t trick your mind into thinking it is just a procedure not attached to a person. It is someone’s toe. But I did fine--and don’t judge me when I say it was really fun--until I handed the  “specimen” off to the nurse. I realized then, “Oh that is someone’s toe!”

Death of a patient and death of a toe. Big events for the patients involved. Just another day in the life of a resident.

Nature

Last night we went camping at a local campsite with friends. Abe brought some muffins for breakfast the next day. While unpacking, we left the hatchback open to my car.

Me: “Honey, did you sneak a taste of one of the muffins?”

Abe: “No, why?”

Me: “Hmm, that’s weird because it looks like someone ate one of the muffin tops.”

I walk to the car and get in the front seat. I hear a rustling noise in the back. I look back to see one of these little buddies in the back of the car munching away.

 

 

Me: I squealed!

Little buddy: luckily ran away under the car, and not further INTO the car. He had found the package of muffins, chewed through the plastic, and ate the muffin top of one. I guess he knows the best part of a muffin, too.

He continued to stalk us all night, coming within only 10 or so feet of us while we ate our dinner. He must have liked the muffin and wanted more!

Sneaky little thing!

Tick Tock

It is October now. That means I have three weeks left of General Surgery! August at the VA was incredibly busy. September was much more manageable on the Surgical Oncology team. I actually got to do some surgeries on my own, just me and the staff surgeon. I performed some melanoma excisions, lymph node biopsies, breast biopsies and lumpectomies, and even a plastic surgery case with skin grafting. It was really fun and I learned so much. In the beginning I was yelled at for my poor knot tying skills which despite my out of the OR practice, were difficult with the anxiety of the OR and the surgeon watching my every move. By the end I had a famous surgeon tell me I have "good hands and a good surgical base." Compliments can be few and far between so I will take it! I really felt that I made some big improvements in a short period of time, going from feeling completely inept to realizing I just need more practice and am doing just fine.

This month I am on vascular surgery. It is probably the least busy rotation yet on GS, at least as far as the at work time. I have very few inpatient responsibilities which leaves me feeling a little lost, "Are you sure you don't need me to do this?" I mostly seen clinic patients. These surgeons do some very interesting things that are mostly over my head. I realized I would much rather look at black teeth than black toes. And am so grateful I can walk without pain. I need to cut down my cholesterol.

Overall, I am getting excited to head back to my oral surgery team in less than a month. I know my forearms will ache after my first few procedures. I know I will be taking more call. And I know I will be a little out of practice. But I also will know a lot more about what is going on and I know I will be doing things every day that I love. Everyone has said that the second year is probably the hardest. I'm getting there!

Conscious

I don’t remember being very body conscious in high school. I’m sure like most teenage girls, I was SELF-conscious, but I really couldn’t tell you what my body looked like, except I was about 117 pounds (so a lot skinnier). And I had acne. --Or at least that is how I remember it. The only thing I received comments about were my funny feet. I agree, they are funny. And worth commenting on.

When I started at BYU my freshman year, suddenly it seemed every one else was very body conscious for me. I learned from a roommate and a guy I was dating that I had a “funny tummy.” I had never realized that before, so thanks for cluing me in-- I'm honest when I say, I've never forgotten it. I also learned from my roommates and friends that I had a lot of “junk in the trunk,” which luckily I guess was a good thing. But I really had no idea about that, either.

I hope I am a self aware person. Someone who sees myself accurately. Sometimes I get these paranoid thoughts that I am really not who I think I am. Like in those movies where you don’t find out until the end that the main character is the crazy one. I guess if you are crazy enough to develop an alternate universe, you are probably crazy enough to not know. Anyway, I hope this is all real! (If it’s not, maybe I am glad I don’t know.) But you’d think I’d make a little less busy life with more time to myself…(weird the conversations I have with myself).

As for my body, I know I probably don’t see an accurate representation of myself. It can be helpful to have a twin sister to look at but even with our similarities, she isn’t me. I think it is interesting to compare compliments I receive to my own perception of myself over time.

Most frequent compliment lately: "You have beautiful skin."-- I still feel like my acne-ridden teenage self so this surprises me. I'm glad people see me this way because I have NO IDEA how to wear cover-up!

Second runner-up: "You have perfect teeth" or a "great smile." --Best compliments for a dentist!

Compliment I never get anymore: "You are so skinny." I'm not fat but I don't think I merit this one anymore to exclaim it without fishing. (I hope I don't really do that, by the way.) Although come to think of it, someone did say that to me yesterday...I was wearing scrubs that were too big.

Compliment I'm just starting to appreciate and wish I got more: "Wow, you look too young to be my doctor." This used to annoy me a bit. I'm hearing it less now and I'm starting to feel old.

Most laughed at body part: remember the part about my feet? Who cares, they could be worse in my mind! A lot worse.

And for the end, one compliment I wish I got just once: "I love your six pack!" (see paragraph 2)

What do you get the most compliments on? Do you agree?

Message in a bottle

When you are a kid, everyone knows when you are in trouble or lost you should send out a message in a bottle. A message telling where you are, a note to your long lost love, or perhaps the map to a buried treasure. These messages are sent without knowing if anyone will ever read them. That's how I feel about blogging right now. I've been wondering why I keep sending these messages and who I'm hoping they'll reach.

I tell people it is so my family can see what I'm up to. I'd like to be able to talk to them more than I do but I am pretty busy. "Blogging is a way they can know how I'm doing,even if I don't have time to call." Except, I don't think my own mom reads my blog more than every few weeks. (That's ok, Mom.)

I say it is to keep up with friends. I love reading their blogs. I'm not sure they read mine. Then I wander to blogs of strangers (does anyone else do that?). I would be secretly embarassed if they caught me but I also wouldn't mind if strangers were keeping up with me. Except sometimes I would mind-- if they are creepy.

And am I the only one who sometimes feels more lonely after reading other people's blogs? It is hard not to see the amazing(ly edited) lives of the bloggers I frequent and not feel a little bad knowing the behind the scenes look at my life. The beautiful women who have beautiful kids and beautiful houses and look like they are 19 (maybe they are?), taking cool trips and having parties every day with their beautiful friends who also have beautiful kids and beautiful houses and go on their cool trips with them (oh and make really amazing crafts every day and nutritious organic meals). Of course, neither the wife nor the husband have to work a day in their life to sustain their 'life of the rich and famous lifestyle.' Or the people who have silly things to say that obviously no one would want to comment about except they have 200 comments per post.

All the while, I am getting older and more tired with less friends and no vacations (although I do really like my house) and a boring life with nothing good/interesting/funny/cool to say.

Then I think about what Abe says: Abe thinks blogging is annoying. "It is a bunch of girls looking for people to tell them, "You go girl!"'

I don't like to admit it, but I guess he is probably right, at least when it comes to one girl I know (quite well). I have found that in our uber-connected culture, I often feel more isolated. I come online when I am bored or lonely. When I feel like everyone I know has moved away. When I feel too busy to have a normal life. When I am finally come home and Abe is working late. I come for a friendly word or a friendly face. But I usually leave feeling more lonely or isolated. Ironic. I can read all about a girl I knew in kindergarten or an old boyfriend I haven't talked to since college, without ever talking to them. Maybe that is the problem.

Does anyone else feel that way? What keeps you blogging? Are you even there?

A Hair Story

My mom always had a pixie growing up. She felt like a boy. She hated it. So when she was blessed with four daughters, naturally we all had long hair growing up. In fact, my first REAL haircut wasn't until my freshman year of high school. I had regular trims but I don't remember ever cutting off more than a few inches at a time until I made the jump to shoulder length hair.

Maybe as a result, I never got into the habit of regular hair cuts. I've continued to have long hair since that time although usually not quite that long. I usually grow it until I can't stand it anymore. Then comes the spontaneous, "I need it cut and I need it cut now!" where I call around until I find any salon that will have an opening. I've never come out looking horrible (takes a lot to mess up long hair I suppose) but I also haven't found anyone I've loved.

Until last November. In one of my "cut it now" rages, I happened upon Chelsea. She was amazing. A real hair artist. I had never had such a wonderful haircut where almost everyone seemed impressed (even weeks later after the initial shock of the change I was getting almost daily compliments) and I felt I could actually make it look kind of close to how she did it. I was so pleased I even scheduled my next appointment 6 weeks later before leaving the salon. I did this a few times in a row. I was sold.

And then, one day she disappeared. I showed up for my appointment and another girl took me back. I had received a message on my phone as I was on my way saying that she would be doing my hair that day but I was shocked when I showed up that that was indeed true. She didn't say a word about it, acted as if she was my normal girl and proceeded to cut. I was shocked and angry. I didn't want to take it out on her but I as mad they wouldn't at least inform me earlier and ask if this new plan was ok. I finally asked, "So is Chelsea gone?" ..."Yes, and I don't know where she went."

I was angry and upset. Normally I wouldn't have blinked an eye about this but now I finally cared and she was lost.

A few weeks later I told a friend about Chelsea and how she was lost. A few weeks after that I noticed this friend had a cute new 'do. I asked who did it and she told me "Chelsea." I knew it had to be her and hooray, I found her once again. I saw her once...until...

I received a call today. She has moved again. At least this time she had my number so she could inform me of her next jump. But unfortunately, with each move has come a significant price increase. Her new salon now "starts at $50" for women's cuts. As much as I love her, I don't know that I can fork out that much (plus tip) for a haircut often enough to stick with her. Or $40 for her to cut Abe's hair, which she also did a great job on.

What a disappointment. After a long roller coaster ride. Does anyone have someone in Iowa City they really like? I mean REALLY like?