Mum is the word

April 17, 2017

I already said this time feels different.

This time I am keeping quiet about it. This time I want it to feel like a "normal" pregnancy where I get to start showing and have people wonder if I am pregnant or just putting on the pounds. That I can simmer on my emotions by myself for awhile. That it can be my happy surprise to share or my disappointment to decide what to do with.

But I find myself a little nervous about not sharing. Last time I feel the prayers of many were on my side and I believe in the power of that. I feel like this last little embryo has to fight against the world for his spot in humanity and I have some worry without the legions of prayers he won't have as much of a chance. But I also trust that faith and prayers are strong and that God has a will. So the prayers of a longing mother and father I think have power as well and hopefully that will be enough.

I do find myself almost accidentally spilling the beans already, after just a few days, about to make comments about how I have an appointment or need to go take my medication, etc. We will see how far I can go. The transfer is scheduled for May 11. I may not have to keep this secret longer than that if we get negative results.

I am choosing to be optimistic that that won't be the case. However, it is a tricky thing to be hopeful and excited enough to have the courage to go forward with something as significant and life changing as a child. Plus, facing all of the unpleasant interventions to make it happen while trying to tell yourself to "not get your hopes up" or be "too disappointed" if it isn't in the cards, --or as I prefer to think, "God's will."

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change"

The Final Round

Here's a peak into my journals for those of you wondering what I have been up to.


April 17, 2017

On a whim I decided maybe it was time to try for embryo baby #3 -- or actually, technically, #6. 

Who does that? 

Makes a major life decision like the possibility of having three babies two years and under -- without days, weeks, or months of thought and preparation?

Add to it the part about having to be pregnant. (Man that was hard!)

Why didn't anyone tell my I was this big?!

Oh yeah, and then there is the whole IVF part: 

The shots. 

The pills. 

The frequent appointments. 

And most of all, the chance for major and in this case FINAL disappointment --because if this works it will in all likelihood be my last pregnancy and my last baby; and if it doesn't work, well...yeah. It WOULD have in all likelihood been my last pregnancy. 

I guess that is why I didn't want to think about it much and to take the plunge thoughtlessly. (And now my mind is making IVF needle puns about syringes with plungers...)

So without much mental energy or emotion really, I called the IVF clinic last week to matter-of-factly find out what the protocol would be for a FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer). I figured it would be a bunch of appointments and weeks or months before they would be ready. Nope. We could get started right away and why not in just a few weeks? "Start by going off your birth control pill today."

Before I knew it, I was getting my first of many upcoming needle sticks with a blood draw for my thyroid levels. 

Nurse: "We need to get your blood drawn? When can you come?" 

Me: "How about now I guess?"

Things are already different this round as my TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) was normal this time, which means one less hormone to add into the mix than I had last round. And so far, no news of starting any metformin, a medication usually taken to regulate diabetes. 

And then last night I started 2 mg of Estradiol (an estrogen hormone to help support the uterine lining for pregnancy) and again this morning. I was careful to set my alarm for morning and night so I wouldn't forget any of these important doses.

And then I came into my room and plopped onto the bed as it started to hit me what I had just done. Abe hugged me and we prayed, as I realized the seriousness of this newfound plan. Round 6. I have done this so. many. times before. I should be an old pro. This should be old hat. I can't help but wonder if that will make it easier? Or if it will make it harder? 

I felt the dread after swallowing the small blue pills. I wish I could remember with accuracy what these hormones were about to do to my body. To my mood. To my weight. I am amazed by what I can't remember after spending almost a year constantly putting myself through this regimen before Mister and Sister's arrival. And also what I remember is slowly flooding back -- the pain and the disappointment and the dread and most of all the waiting. 

Amazingly I didn't cry. But I questioned if I was strong enough and brave enough to do this all again. 

This time feels different. This time there is an endpoint in the near future. Before, I had the hope of six embryos securely in the freezer and a large family coming from them. Now I know how hard it was to get the two blessings I have. I know that the odds are more likely than not that I will not get pregnant -- it took 5 embryos to get where I am now, why will one lone survivor suddenly stick this time? It doesn't seem like the way to start the "trying" process -- without much hope.

Mister and Sister's first baby picture

So we will see what happens. Despite it all, I have hope there is a little brother or sister there waiting to join us. I also have the joy of knowing we already have an amazing family. 

There is some relief in the finality even though it is also scary. Some of the worst parts of the whole process before was wondering and having to ask God, "How much do I have to do this before I give up? Before I know it won't work?" This time I know we have one more shot. (Again with the puns, actually 2-12 weeks of shots... but one chance at a pregnancy.)

I am anxious to finally know if I can give away my baby gear. I am also terrified to think I may have to. 

So here's to my Hail Mary. Crossing my fingers it will work. And if it doesn't, that I will be okay with God's answer. 

Why I am thanking Mr. Trump for his locker room chat

I was looking for the "feminist" photo to match:
perhaps the power suit? But then again, the mom in  pajamas
reading to/teaching her kids is a pretty close second!

I've long considered myself a feminist.

Equality and opportunity for women became a passion of mine since facing the challenges of entering a male dominated field, experiencing my share of discriminatory treatment, and more recently, becoming a mother. Unfortunately, I have found the connotations of the "feminist" label I proudly wear tend to bring a surprising amount of negativity, assumption, and sometimes ill judgement.

Thus, I am glad to see so many come out across the country to march for women this weekend! I take the appalling commentary on women from our now president as a twisted blessing. Today, we address behavior (that is seen and felt by women every day) publicly and head-on -- instead of silently and privately as women are told "stuff like that doesn't happen anymore" or "you are being too emotional" or "too sensitive."

I hope that after marching this week, we will remember to continue to support the women around us. Especially as women, supporting other women. We have so many issues to confront! Unequal pay, sexual harassment, birth control, sexual assault, the glass ceiling, maternity and childcare decisions, to name only a few. Unfortunately, I have found we as women are often our worst enemies. 

Because we haven't seen sexism, we won't believe it. 
Or because we accept it ourselves, we ridicule those who won't.
Because we didn't choose it, we will judge it. 
We often choose to harshly judge life choices that don't mirror our own instead of compassionately looking at the variables that brought those choices forward or to find a way to help. Instead of criticism, maybe we should ask, "What can I do?" 

Or we accept the objectification and sexualization of ourselves and our daughters. It is so prevalent we may not even notice. 
Or worse, we label it "female empowerment.

"Feminism isn't just bra burning; it shouldn't be man-hating; and doesn't have to be about abortion rights. I think it should be advocating for women. It should be respecting women and their choices. It should be refusing to expect or tolerate disrespectful treatment even when it may be as common place as over-sexualized marketing or even "locker room chat."

So thank you to Mr. Trump for your abhorrent behavior, because for once, I have found many women and especially men fired up about issues I have long cared about. But for many of us, this isn't new or unusual or even surprising talk or behavior.

And thank you marchers for your visible efforts. I hope we can all continue to march on because we still have a lot of work to do.

The Big One

photo credit Chelsee Sheffield

As an adult, I feel the change of time differently than I did as a child. I remember when each year and each birthday seemed like a huge milestone. A new grade! New pants (to replace the ones that now hit above the ankles)! A chance to say my age as a round number instead of one carefully measured in quarters (wouldn't it be funny if adults did this? "How old are you? "-- "33 and a quarter")! 

Besides the big milestones -- 18! 21! 30! I don't see or even celebrate much of the aging or progress I must be undergoing, except maybe by the slow development of fine lines popping up on my forehead or the increased difficulty I have getting back in shape.

I have noticed myself hesitantly measuring my own progression in life by the growing children of my friends:

Our marriage is a 5th grader now! 

My career in private practice is walking and throwing tantrums. 

And my time as a mother is a one year old (well two one year olds)!

People act like this is a big deal. "You made it!" I wonder if there was ever a question. (Was there???) I'm glad we did -- instead of the alternative, I suppose.  

And it does feel like an accomplishment, maybe especially with twins. 

Our parenthood is now one years old, whether you go off actual birthday or due date. It is growing up -- as old as two babies feeding themselves (although still a pretty messy job), crawling all over and even taking steps. It is outgrowing infant car seats, communicating with simple words like "hot!" and "thank you." And is a combined 50 lbs. 

I know it is still rather early, but we have gone far enough I find myself giving advice to new moms as if I am a seasoned pro. (Does having two babies accelerate me on the path a bit?)

Isn't it interesting how time has a strange way of going so fast and yet so slowly at the same time? It seems like these babies have been with us for a lifetime, and yet I am amazed it has already been a whole year! 

I wondered how I would feel when we all hit this big one year milestone. Would I cry like the other moms warned? Would I mourn the loss of my two little snuggly babies replaced with toddlers on the move? Or perhaps relish the moment like most of the twin parents I know -- so relieved to have made it through the time most refer to as " a blur" or a time they can't even remember?

When the big day arrived, I found myself happy and excited for the progress we have made and the future ahead. So far I have loved every stage with its challenges and joys and look forward to the progress and learning that is ahead with excitement and pride. 

It is strange but exciting that now I can measure the passing of our lives in the progress of my own children. 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

Written Fall 2016, shortly after birthday #1!

We are breaking up...

Dear Medela,

I'm breaking up with you. It has been a long almost 11 months. I know it seems almost silly to break things off now --we always said we would go the distance! To one year, or heck, maybe even farther! But you know, I just can't take it any more. You are sucking it all out of me.

Then again, you aren't --and that's the problem.

You think you own me and frankly, are a bit controlling.
You dictate what I wear. No dresses unless they have stretchy necklines or buttons! Nothing too fancy!
You leave your messes behind you--in my car, the couch, my kitchen.
You won't let me see friends when I am with you.
You set my schedule, no matter the occasion or time. And you want me, all to yourself! Alone in a dark room, a car, even a quick special hotel room meet up at special events.

It's true, we have been through our ups and downs together. Your monotonous hum always lurking there in the background, in videos and phone calls, people always asking about you, "what's that?" The quiet companion always there--In the winter and the hot summer. With babies crawling over us and in the lonely wee hours of the night. Through work meetings and long commutes, weddings and shopping trips and family parties. Awkward sittings in the nursing lounge when our non-traditional relationship becomes obvious with the other nursing couples who are surely wondering about us. You've always been so mechanical! I know there are others like us, but they tend to remain in the closet!

You have always been there, nagging at me every 3-4 hours and on my mind almost every minute. "Come back to me, it's been too long. You need me. Only I can help you." And even, "You should be pumping. You are 'nursing' twins!"

But alas, I am giving way more than you are. I tried my best but unlike many of the other moms I know with over-flowing milk and their freezers full of storage bags, the few drops you are giving me just aren't worth the hassle. So I need to make a clean break. You have about a week to take the last of your milk before it is all gone.

No please, just go. Don't watch me cry! Sure, I'd love to stay friends, just another pump or two more. But then you really have to go. Before I change my mind.

Believe me, it's me, not you. I just can't make it work any more. And actually, there is someone else. It's my life. She called and she wants me back.

I know it hurts. I'm crying as I write this. But it has to happen. Maybe in a few years we can try again. I can't say that I will miss you but it will be an adjustment.

Sure, I may be willing to take you back. But you've made promises before to change your ways. More quality time together, power pumping sessions, wining and dining (well not really wining). But I just can't see it working. It's never lasted before. Why would I believe you now?

Sincerely,
Erin

Oh! And, I just learned that Janet down the street may be in the market. I think you will be just what she is looking for. You guys could be great!

Twin Skin and Tiger Stripes

Photo credit: Sarah Siler Photography

Before my struggle with infertility, I had a lot of anxiety about becoming pregnant, including some concerns about what it would do to my body. I wrote about some of those worries in my Blueberry Girl post. Knowing how hard I am on myself, I was worried that changes I could not control may wreak havoc on my body, which would cause a lot of personal dissatisfaction. Silly or not, these were some real concerns and although I was called out by some commenters for being selfish or vain to worry about such things, I still was quite worried.

Looking back I was bigger than I remember!

I mentioned before that my first body awareness after having the babies was noticing my immediately deflated belly as I lay on the operating room table. I felt a little unnerved seeing my once taut belly all soft and saggy. I started to wonder about the damage of what some call "twin skin."

Again, bigger than I realized!

I was stuck in bed and unable to move well enough to do much for days after the delivery. The first time I took a bath and saw myself in the mirror I was shocked. I couldn't believe how huge my hips looked. I figured it was because the size my lower body had grown was now grossly out of proportion without the large belly to match (I did gain at least 7" on my hips when I measured part way through my pregnancy). I managed to make it through my pregnancy with no stretch marks on my belly and a few small ones on my hips. Now, I have tiger stripes all along my outer hips and love handles that I attribute to the swelling from the IV fluids given to me in the hospital, partly to combat anemia after losing significant blood during the procedure, and realize now the large "hippy" appearance was also due partly to swelling.

Induction day edema

What happened to my knees?

Home post partum a few days later!

I don't know what I weighed in the hospital (close to 200 lbs) but I lost about 20 lb. by the time I got home 5 days later. One month later I had lost 47 lb! I attribute the bulk of this to water weight as I lost most once my knees and ankles were back to normal. I currently bounce about a pound below and a few pounds above my pre-baby weight, and about 5-10 pounds above my pre-IVF weight.

Induction day

13 days after delivery

13 days after delivery -- not hard to feel skinny after as big as I was!

Halloween, about 3 weeks after delivery

I have gone up a size or so in most of my clothes. I resized my wedding ring when it wouldn't come close to fitting over my knuckle. My feet seem to have mostly gone back to normal.

I didn't expect "The Mom" look to come so fast.
Maybe with two babies at once you accelerate along the path to Mom Bod that much faster.

I feel like I went over 30 years without looking like a mom. I had hoped to avoid looking like a mom. I wanted to always look young and hip, with flat, hard abs. (Not that that was true before kids!) Instead, I feel I look tired. I look older. I don't seem to know or understand many of the current fashion trends (leggings as pants, still an utter mystery to me!) and find myself continuing to wear my maternity clothes (baggy is in, right?). And my abs? Well, while they have never been flat, I somehow managed to avoid diastasis recti (separation of the abdominal muscles) but I still have a little extra sag. And as I mentioned before, the stretch marks.

But I couldn't be happier.

Okay that's an exaggeration. I could be more pleased if I looked like Heidi Klum after all her babies. It would be nice to fit into all of my clothes again. To have beautifully taut belly skin and supple unstretched hips. But...I still don't think I would be happier. So maybe I was right...

I couldn't be happier.

Because really, the way I look at my body has completely transformed. No longer do I look at my body as an ornament to dress and adorn. No longer is it an object to perfect or to use to seek admiration. It isn't something to be sexualized or even demonized.

It is a tool. It is an instrument. And an amazing one that has done amazing things. It has survived years of infertility. It has overcome hundred of shots and ravages on its system with synthetic hormones and mad scientist happenings. It has carried and delivered two healthy babies. It has provided much of their needed nutrition. All of this automatically, miraculously, without any input or feedback from me consciously.


***This is another post from my archives of works in progress. I wish I had finished it completely as I wonder exactly where I was going with it at the time, as it ends a bit abruptly. I contemplated adding another ending today but just didn't have the words. And it felt a bit fraudulent not to just ride the moment of the feelings I had then. 

I wish I could say that I have held on to this new found confidence completely since those early months post partum, but I think it is quite normal to have days where I begrudge my stretch marks! I haven't lost any more weight (although I am back in my old clothes), I continue to battle hormonal imbalances while nursing that cause skin issues, and I have more than my fair share of bad hair days but I find almost a year later I still place less scrutiny on the appearance of my body than before where every flaw and imperfection was something to improve, fuss over, or loathe. My main goal these days is to try to get healthy and back in shape. After exercise restrictions during my fertility treatments, a difficult pregnancy, and an overwhelmingly busy schedule with infant twins, exercise hasn't been much of a reality for over two years. As an athlete growing up, it is crazy to think I could ever go that long but I suppose life happens. 

Every day is a new day! I feel so lucky to have this wonderful body to live it with. ***

On the Go!

I started this post weeks ago. Here are some updates on what we've been up to instead of blogging.

The past few months have been a whirlwind of change...for the babies and for our family as a whole.

Meeting cousins for the first time: my twin sister and her family. 

Meeting another cousin, Uncle Colt,
and Uncle Colt's beard (kinda scary for the babies!)

Since May we took our first family vacation over Memorial Day. It was a quick tour of the Southwest starting with a few days to visit family in Utah, followed by job interviews in Tucson, AZ and Las Cruces, NM and passing through El Paso, TX. The babies were great traveling companions and learned they like the pool, especially Sister, at least at first. We really enjoyed our time in the SW and were pleasantly surprised. Maybe we will find our way back there? It did confirm my suspicion that I would like to live in a pueblo style house. And have a cactus or two in the yard.

White Sands National Park in NM

Of course, pueblo with hanging chilis.
Sister liked the spicy food!

First time in the pool A little tricky with two!

Always good sports! 

We also made a weekend trip to Minneapolis to meet my sister and her family who were there for a conference. The highlight of the trip was going to a Minnesota Twins baseball game. "Twins holding twins at a Twins game!" What could be better?

Can you tell who is who?

 



We will continue our job hunt here in the Midwest as well and make a few more interview trips. The babies have been great travel companions and make friends wherever we go. We have even been lucky to have family accompany us on some of these trips to help with babysitting and all of the logistics of our schedules.

Abe and I have also both had some job transitions. Abe finished his fourth year of residency by completing his most recent Head and Neck surgery block, and is beginning his fifth and final year of residency. I have never known Abe to not be in his training so this is such an unusual concept -- to see the light at the end of the tunnel so fast approaching after so many years in the dark. So far it has been an improvement already with shorter days at work much of the time.

While I had planned to stay at my current position in Burlington at least another year, I unexpectedly had a late change of plans and now cut my commute in half to work in Muscatine. While I am heartbroken to leave my staff and patients in Burlington, this will be an improvement in many ways! The biggest and best part is that I will be working part time with a shorter commute and thus home with Mister and Sister more than half of the week. I am really excited to join the team in Muscatine and look forward to meeting many more wonderful people along the way.


I have been busy finalizing things with my previous job and getting paperwork settled for the new position. In the meantime, I am home for a few weeks until my new position begins. My nanny is continuing to work her normal schedule with us so right now I am living a la "Real Housewives of Iowa" style-- at home while my full time nanny helps out. Needless to say, I am catching up on LIFE a little bit -- getting my house in order, starting up an exercise routine, playing with babies much more, and you know, getting my hair did or going grocery shopping alone whenever I want!

And then there are the babies. They are getting so big! We passed our "In and Out Day" last month -- a big deal in the "mom of multiples" community, when your babies have been out as long as they were in. We really wanted to celebrate at the restaurant In 'N' Out but there was none to be found in Iowa!

They are now nine months old and getting so big. No really, they are getting really big! It seems like they are bigger than all of the one year olds we meet. We are getting to the point that carrying them both in their carseats is a struggle. And we are starting the baby proofing progress as Sister learned to crawl and stand and get into everything and find power cords to chew on and get maimed or killed all within the last few days. AACK. Mister is not far behind, just starting to crawl and stand.

This guy sure loves his bottles!

First corn for this Iowa native!

We finally got some sleep training on board and they now go to bed consistently and sleep through the night most nights. What a relief after a major sleep regression.

So, it has been an incredibly busy and stressful time. But also a wonderful time. We are trying to enjoy all that life has to offer while making big changes and big decisions.