Rainy Days and Mondays

This morning I woke up early after a restful but somewhat fragmented sleep. I got a few things ready around the house and then headed in to the hospital in the dark, misty fog, parking in the old familiar staff parking lot (but feeling a bit like an imposter) and heading up to the Women's Clinic. I obtained my lab requisition and headed over for a blood draw.

I waited outside the door, until the lights turned on signalling the presence of a lab tech and the door finally unlocked. It was probably 7:01. I was anxious to be on my way to work and every minute counts, but mostly, I was anxious for the results.

I sighed and was relieved it only took one poke to get the required blood. I rushed back out the door, foregoing my jacket after a burst of hot flashes -- I think excitement, nervousness, or wasit merely hot in there or I was overdressed in boots and a scarf? Maybe it was just the hormones I've been pumping into my system multiple times per day for the past months.

On the road, I tried not to think about it as I maneuvered through the fog. I pulled in behind a semi truck going an appropriate speed and let him lead the way as I wondered what the result would be and when I would hear. 

I had been expecting the worse--preparing myself for the worse for the past 10 days. I wondered if this was the right way to go or if I should have had hope by default.

I wondered if I would have to wait until 10:30 again to hear the results. I was relieved when Abe called me about 8:15, when I was about 15 minutes from work.

"Unfortunately, it didn't work again."

"Ok, I expected that," I said.

"I feel disappointed again."

"Yeah, I know. I don't feel anything yet."

I was grateful to hear before arriving to work, having to wait for hours, wondering and feeling distracted while trying to take care of patients. Wondering if I would have an unprofessional emotional response. But I made my way in, slightly late from the appointment but maybe more so because of the thick fog I had driven through, physically and emotionally. Changed into scrubs, I headed to work and back to what seems to be becoming more and more my normal life.

At least I get to stop the shots for a few short weeks. Just as I was getting good at them, too!

* * *

We have been doing IVF since the end of June. This was our second embryo transfer and our second negative result. It is hard to know how I feel after the negative results again. For some reason I felt I had to just quickly pound this out, while I wait for my last few patients of the day. I guess I just feel like I could use some support as I try to sort through this all and no reason to keep it a secret anymore.

The Reality Of The Test Tube Baby

Trying to look nerdy and "science-y" in my fake glasses

When I was a little girl, I remember one cozy night sitting in bed. After my mother finished telling me a story about a mom and her baby, I told her,

"When I grow up, I want to have a test tube baby!"



Alright, obviously that never happened!

I don't think anyone thinks that in vitro fertilization will be in their future. Even after having trouble,  because my twin sister got pregnant on clomid I assumed I would, too. A few months of some pills and BAM! -- my baby would be on the way.

When the doctors told me that I would most likely need IVF to become pregnant, I was very upset. Up to that point I hadn't had the chance to mourn my infertility. I had been heavy in the trenches of residency and a baby would have just complicated matters. Every month I wasn't pregnant was a disappointment but also maybe a sigh of relief. One more month of not having to "make it work" during long hours of call, late nights, coordinating day care and call schedules and managing pregnancy symptoms in the OR, etc.

After months of oral medications (clomid and letrazole) we were told to have a predictable chance, IVF would be the way to go. Despite feeling nervous and a little dread, I was relieved to be moving forward, to have a plan. And I figured that although I knew it was "hard" that it would work.

Abe can look "science-y" too, but he has a PhD so it should be easy for him!

I definitely had to take some time to mourn my infertility after having the reality of it slap me in the face (or more like stab me in the belly with a medical-grade needle)! Suddenly this was all very real, not just an inkling I had always had. I hadn't had the years of heartbreak to realize something really was wrong and to prepare myself emotionally to jump right in.  Yes, I had experienced months of disappointment but it felt sudden to begin expensive and intensive treatment when I hadn't ached for that little baby yet. And I wasn't ready to give up my romantic ideas regarding a natural pregnancy, (things like the surprise of a positive home pregnancy test) for the sterile cold world of a procedure based conception.

My disappointment turned to dread after my consultation with the doctor which gave me a new understanding of what the treatment actually meant.

Did you know:
That IVF means you will administer shots daily for weeks? I'm talking sometimes 4-5 times per day, in varied places (belly, thigh, hip, butt) and at varying times of day.
That the hormones can make you feel pregnant before or even if you are not? Yay for mourning sickness, bloating, weight gain, etc when you aren't even pregnant.
That you can have serious complications from the treatment--complications that could be life threatening? It's called Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome.
That your baby has a higher chance for birth defects?
That you have a higher chance for multiples even if you just implant one embryo?
That it may not work the first time--or ever? There is about a 50-60% chance of success each round.
That it costs thousands of dollars just for a single trip to the pharmacy, not to mention appointments and procedures?
That you may have doctors appointments, blood draws, ultrasounds every day during treatment?
That you have to sign consent forms regarding what to do with your embryos if your spouse dies or you die or you both die? Or that you have to figure out what to do with the "extras" when you are done?

I didn't. So I'm not surprised people started congratulating me and acting as if I was already pregnant when I told them I had to do this treatment to be successful. Still, this made me very upset.

I felt like, "Really! Really? Is it congratulations that I have to go through all of this to maybe not have a baby anyway? Is it congratulations when people are accidentally getting pregnant or aborting babies and I have to stab myself every night with painful shots that make me wacky (when I am needle phobic)? Or to have complications and end up disabled or dead?" (Dramatic, I know, but sometimes feelings aren't always rational or boringly sensible.)

I was also wondering if I was ready to be a mom, if I wanted a baby enough to go through all of this, if I wanted a baby "as much as a car" when comparing the financial aspects of it. And of course I did, but I was nervous to make that commitment, especially since I hadn't had the years of struggle and heartbreak I felt were almost a requirement or a right of passage to get to this decision.

And I was scared.

Then I talked to Channa.

Thank goodness I found someone who was able to tell me about her experience down to the very minute details. A friendly face and kind word made all of the difference, to just know someone I knew had gone through it and I could trust her advice and information on what to expect, even if it sounded scary or horrible! I felt like if she could do it, maybe I could, too. (Even though it seemed questionable!) And I finally found someone who understood! Who knew the fears and the anxiety and the nervousness both serious (what if it doesn't work, how will I feel?) and simple (how bad are the shots?).

After having some time to face the loss and sadness of my infertility, I still occasionally feel some of these negative feelings. But I also feel grateful. Grateful that now I at least have a fighting chance. That I have proved to myself that I can do hard things. That I can relate more to not only the infertility issues of others but also other battles of mourning and loss. That miracles are real, even if God uses science to make them happen.

We are praying for our own one day.

Still Working Hard

Coming back from Hawaii was hard. The weather was just beginning to turn (I am so dreading winter this year!) and I was having a hard time with some personal issues I am sorting through. I remember saying to a patient at work, "Sometimes you just need a vacation from your vacation."

And then I realized -- you get a vacation from your vacation! Less than a week after arriving home we were on a plane again to Orlando for an Otolaryngology conference. I have to admit this is really good for making my online persona look good!

I had high hopes for the trip. Using my extra time for getting in shape, studying for boards by the pool, maybe even some shopping or solo theme park expeditions while Abe was in his meetings.

Unfortunately, I was coming down with something on our way and I ended up in bed most of the time. (I could edit this part out to make my life look that much better, right?)

Abe's program has a lot of nice people who are pretty friendly and wanted to be social between meetings so we spent a lot of time with them which was fun.

Of course, you have to eat, even when sick so I braved it out for some Ethiopian food (which was amazing by the way).

Can you tell I'm sick? 

One of the attendings took us out to the Universal City Walk.

He treated us to a night of karaoke and pizza. We had a lot of fun singing with the live back-up dancers and singers. 

Abe's co-resident "Tiger" was a huge hit with the audience (middle back row, black hair and glasses), people chanting his name throughout the night and wanting to meet him. After taking pictures with the back up dancers, he had people asking for photos for their Facebook pages. Who knew we had such a hidden talent among us?

Abe and I had some mixed feelings about going to the parks the next day. I still wasn't feeling great and he was in the conference until the early afternoon. We decided to embrace our carefree and fun side and go for it! Upon arriving, we had a hard time deciding if we should go to Universal Studios or Islands of Adventure. Universal Studios has a new Harry Potter exhibit but we liked the roller coasters at Islands of Adventure last time we were there. We decided to go for the Islands of Adventure. 

This was perhaps the wrong choice. After going on a single roller coaster we both weren't feeling so hot. We stopped in a restaurant for some butter beer (Abe's main goal for going to the park) and got stuck there during a torrential downpour. After waiting about an hour, it slowed down enough for us to make it back towards the front of the park, only to get stuck again in the Jurassic Park exhibit for another downpour, before deciding to leave. It let up as we walked towards the entrance but very few rides were open due to the wet tracks and threat of lightening. We decided the only thing to do was to get a second butter beer (of course!) and head out. When we finally left I think we were relieved to be out of the rain. We still had fun, but I think Universal Studios would have had more inside to do and we would have at least seen the new Harry Potter attraction. And maybe I wouldn't have got so sick on the rides. 

Waiting inside with some liquid company.

Despite how it looks in the pictures, at least it was warm despite the rain!

Happy with his frozen butter beer. 

We bought tickets for the next day for Mickey's Not-So-Scary Halloween Party at Magic Kingdom for us and some friends.  We learned from our previous day's experience and bought ponchos before heading out for Disney World. By the time we pulled into the parking lot, it was pouring! We waited in the car hoping it would subside before donning our yellow courage and heading in. Good thing, too, because it rained for about 4 hours!

Abe's co-residents Marisa, Kristy, and Danielle getting ready!

The Halloween party was a really good option for us. The park closed at seven for its normal day-time guests but opened for the Halloween party from 7pm-12am. Since everyone was in conferences until about 2:30, it would have been a short and expensive day at Magic Kingdom. But luckily the party tickets were cheaper than regular admission, we were able to enter the park at 4 pm, and the party didn't end until midnight. I did not expect to stay until closing, but it turned out that I was sad when it was time to finally leave at midnight.

Thank goodness for ponchos!

Danielle had never been to Disney, despite growing up in Tampa, so it was fun to show her what she missed her whole childhood. I think once it stopped raining she was impressed.

We found some escape from the elements in Its a Small World

The biggest advantage to the night was minimal to no lines on the rides! After walking straight on to Splash Mountain, we sat in our ponchos getting completely drenched as the ride slowly maneuvered its way in a heavy downpour. After each getting a huge puddle in our laps and not even noticing the splash at the end of the ride, I think we had about had it with the rain so found some shelter and ate some dinner. Thankfully as we emerged from dinner, the rain had stopped, just in time for the parade, which was surprisingly good.

They had an amazing light show ON the castle (the coolest part of the night) and then some really impressive fireworks. 

We drove cars (not nearly as exciting as I remember -- I guess that makes sense as an adult who drives a real car).

And of course spun around in teacups (while Prince Charming looked on in admiration).

And rode flying elephants.

We even rode through a jewel mine.

And danced with monsters. 

One of the interesting parts of the night is that they have different characters than you would normally get to meet -- the villains -- out and about and taking pictures. We didn't take the time to wait in any of these lines but we tried to steal a picture with Mike from Monsters, Inc. 

He was too busy dancing to pose so we had to be quick!

Many of the park visitors were in costume as well as the workers. And they had trick-or-treating, giving away huge handfuls of candy.

It was probably some of the most fun I've had at a theme park. I wouldn't miss it if you have the chance to visit in September or October. Even in the rain!

And now we are home and back to work, as busy as ever. It was nice to have a few breaks at a much needed time.

Hard at Work

At first I thought Hawaii would be the perfect location for a conference. I was so excited we finally had an excuse to go back.

Unfortunately, I found that instead of wanting to be at the conference, I wanted to BE IN HAWAII. Regardless, I think I found a good balance between enjoying the conference and making sure I spent plenty of time with my honey BEING in Hawaii.

We loved our hotel, the Modern Honolulu. The location was an easy walk to the beach, the decor was clean and modern (surprise), and we loved their pool.  

The nice anniversary gift didn't hurt, either!

We didn't do anything fancy since the conference sucked up a lot of time. We enjoyed relaxing at the beach and the pool and walking around the strip.

I think we ate Japanese food almost every meal! I was looking forward to Ramen for months since we got back from Japan. Unfortunately, wasn't quite the same.

One of my favorites from Japan, Okonomyaki!

Curry House...interestingly, WAY more food than you get at the same place in Japan.

And Dole Whips!

Proof I was at the conference (in case anyone from work is reading this--ha ha!). 

This is me registering for the conference after some exercise on our way. Promise I have a little more class than exercise clothes at a professional conference!

We met up with some friends for ice cream. Unfortunately, it isn't as easy to meet up with friends when they live in Hawaii -- I guess we will just have to go back. Wouldn't want to lose those ties!

One of the coolest parts of my trip was re(meeting) my cousin Shannon after 20+ years. It was strange to see this little girl who was probably four when I last saw her as a masters student. Fun to catch up and notice family similarities. Do you think we look alike? I think we have the same legs (if I worked out more).

And finally shave ice. Took me until the last day of the trip to finally get some. We tried this store at the recommendation of a friend and we were not disappointed!

And then made it up to the North Shore for some more at Matsumoto, our traditional favorite.

We enjoyed some more beach time on the North Shore  (especially when we came upon some nudists with some shady behavior)...

..

...before sadly making our way back to our friends' for a quick shower and a goodbye before our red-eye home. 

Thank You Maui Much!

Well hello there!

I think I just took maybe my longest blog hiatus in history!

Things have been pretty busy in the Sheffield home the past few months and I guess the past month and a half just got away from me. So, it looks like it's about time I post, and I'm thinking how something a little more positive and less serious sounds about right. After all, my life isn't all about infertility!

We we were ready for a little break (or two) and excited the association for my specialty took us to Hawaii for some continuing education and then a second conference for Abe in Orlando shortly after.

So what better way to cheer things up than than a little Hawaii and "The Happiest Place on Earth!"

We started our trip with a too short visit to Maui. Our first visit on the island, we were impressed. We spent our time mostly relaxing on the beach. (Which left me wishing for the first time in a long time --since eschewing tanning-- that I was golden brown as we stuck out like ghosts amongst all the very brown locals. We were the only "white" people on the local beach by our hotel, that's for sure!)

We made some time to enjoy an amazing Sunday Brunch.

We drove the road to Hana and found some waterfalls...

...some amazing views...

...ate famous banana bread...

...swam in a freshwater pool (with a legend about a Hawaiian princess)...

...and found an amazing black sand beach to rest our feet... (or not! Black sand is evidently made of lava rocks. It's like wearing stilettos -- looks great but does a number on your feet!)

...and take a swim.

All before we finally made it to Hana.

We were sad to say goodbye to beautiful Maui...

...but were grateful we weren't leaving Hawaii. Yet. Conference time!